The opening monologue from my latest podcast:
Ted Cruz has named former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina to be his vice president. Though some are calling this a desperate move to revive his flagging campaign after his massive losses in eastern primaries, Senator Cruz said, “They’ll change their tune when they realize the delegate Carly controls is now mine, all mine!”
Cruz supporters said that Fiorina will also help the Cruz campaign because she’s a woman which means she can get away with saying nasty things about Hillary Clinton like “she’s got nothing going for her except playing the woman card,” or “if Hillary can’t even satisfy her husband, how’s she going to satisfy America.” Of course Donald Trump has already gotten away with saying those things by simply being a boorish thug, but Cruz said,“We couldn’t find any boorish thugs who weren’t already committed to Trump, so we had to settle for a woman.”
Cruz added that he will soon pick out the tie he will wear for his inauguration speech and some new carpeting for the oval office.
Candidate John Kasich has also selected a running mate. Kasich says he’s chosen Cinderella to share the ticket with him, but he notes this is the Cinderella from the original animated version not the one from the recent live action remake. “While the live action Cinderella was very beautiful,” Kasich said, “only the cartoon one can really capture the fantasy and romance that is my presidential campaign.”
Donald Trump, meanwhile, has not yet selected a vice presidential candidate and says he may decide to fill the role himself. “After all, I’m the best man for both jobs,” says Trump, “and this way if I should die while serving as president, I can just take my own place.”
On the Democrat side, Hillary Clinton is reportedly searching for a vice presidential candidate who will make her look a little more likable by comparison. So far she’s interviewed a screeching pterodactyl, an Islamic terrorist and the possessed girl from the movie The Exorcist. The Exorcist girl reportedly turned down the position saying, “It’s one thing to have the lord of all evil clutch my soul in a stranglehold of obscenity and hatred, but listening to Hillary’s voice for four years would be more than I could stand.” As for the Islamic terrorist, he spoke to Hillary for two and a half hours and then blew himself up… although possibly he was going to do that anyway.
Bernie Sanders, meanwhile, has fired much of his campaign staff. He says the move is in keeping with his principles because the staff started out with high, unrealistic hopes and ended up unemployed… so now they have a better understanding of how socialism really works.