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Nothing To See Here

There's nothing to write about this week as no one shot anyone for any politically motivated reason at the Washington, D.C., headquarters of the Family Research Council, a group that is obviously hateful for promoting traditional views of marriage and so couldn't be the victim of a hate crime in the first place because they're so hateful any hate would logically have to be coming from them and not from the person who shot them.

According to the Media Research Center, CBS News did not even bother to report the non-shooting at FRC that did not leave the building manager wounded when a man who was not carrying fifteen Chick-fil-A sandwiches in a backpack did not say "I don't like your politics," before not opening fire on the unarmed victim. Since the event never occurred, NBC's Brian Williams was able to cover it in a mere 17 seconds. And one day after the shooting never happened, CNN anchor Zoraida Sambolin clarified the motivation of the non-existent event by proclaiming that FRC was "hate spewing hate," so there was no question from which side of the gun barrel the hatred was emanating.

It's clear therefore that the non-shooter, Floyd Corkins, was not motivated by any of the never overblown and thoroughly non-despicable non-overreactions to Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy's recent defense of traditional marriage. The gunman was only carrying those fifteen sandwiches because they are just. So. Unbelievably. Tasty!

Nor was the non-hate-crazed non-gunman inspired by the left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center, which has included the Family Research Council on a list of hate groups along with neo-Nazis and the Klan.

It would, of course, have been impossible for a gunman to have been inspired by left-wing hatred because left-wing people are loving and don't hate anyone except those people who disagree with them who are hateful because the left is so loving that to oppose them is hateful.  If you get my drift.