50 Shades of White House

If you adore Barack and Michelle so much that you’ve just got to know how they might be getting freaky, then U Novels has just the book for you: Guesthouse Games.

Alone in their isolated beachfront guesthouse in the tropical paradise of Kailua, Hawaii, our leading couple are enjoying a holiday of a lifetime. But an unexplained visit from a ghost needing help sees our couple drawn into the ancient Hawaiian spiritual world and into the exploration of their own deepest and most forbidden desires.

Deepest? Perhaps. Forbidden? I wish.

Look, longtime VodkaPundit readers know I’m no prude. I believe I was the first at my school ever to be voted “Most Likely to Do That.” One of my AOL handles back in the day — true story — was SansTrou. So keep that in mind when I tell you I’d happily set fire to the First Amendment in order to avoid reading anything like this:

Whilst searching for clues to understand who this mysterious girl is that begs for the couple’s help, they uncover a number of rooms equipped to fulfill every type of erotic fantasy imaginable at the remote guesthouse they are staying at. But will our couple be able to resist the quest for sexual pleasure to help put the spirit to rest and bring about justice for a seventy year old tragedy? Or will they drown in the tides of history and their own passions?

Barack, Michelle, the Mystery Girl, and a room full of vibrators. I think we can guess where this is going — to the pool boy! No, the author isn’t even that creative. But we do have a gardener, who it is to be assumed, is rather well-(ahem)-built:

Whilst the story is based entirely around our leading couple, there are a few other characters that feature in Guesthouse Games.

Kenji, the guesthouse’s young Hawaiian gardener with whom the leading lady feels an intense erotic connection. He is involved in one of the sex scenes with the couple.

Having read what is perhaps one of the only First Couple Pr0n press releases to use the word “whilst,” I’m pretty sure I can die happy. And hopefully soon. Because listed amongst (see what I did there?) the erotic cast of naughty characters is…

…are you sitting?

“Stitch, the guesthouse cat.”

Yes, that’s right. The guesthouse cat. Stitch. There’s a part of me — no, not that part — which is possessed of a morbid desire, a sick curiosity, a wicked throbbiness, to know exactly how Stitch will be employed. You may thank me now for not making any “Obama eats cat” jokes. And while you’re at it, please bless “Evan” for keeping us spoiler-free in his review of Guesthouse Games:

I was very pleased with how well the book looked and the speed it got here. The book its self is very good from what i have read so far. i will be buying another book from here in the future. It made the perfect v-day gift, thank you, evan.

The perfect V-day gift — for your lonely self.