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The PJ Tatler

by
Stephen Kruiser

Bio

June 12, 2013 - 10:52 pm

Miss Hillary yet?

Just back from the State Department where the US-UK diplomacy on Syria has reached Monty Python levels of double-speak.
William Hague was agitated and impotent as usual. Reflecting long-standing British impatience with the US sitting on its hands over the Syrian conflict, he lambasted Assad in the usual manner: “murder” “tyranny” “grave threat” “urgent crisis”. You get the picture.
Mr Kerry spoke with even more emptiness than Mr Hague, before letting slip this pearl: “We are determined to do everything that we can in order to help the opposition to save Syria,” he said.
Really? “Everything that we can?” Ho-ho. You can just imagine the dark banter among the rebels camps in Aleppo or Homs tonight as Assad’s forces mass in preparation for an attack. Picture the scene:
Revolutionary 1: Where are the Americans? I thought they promised to help us?
Revolutionary 2: Yes. Indeed they have. They are the world’s unrivalled super-power and they are doing “everything they can” – that’s what that nice Mr Kerry said, anyway.
Revolutionary 1: Okay. But isn’t that a helicopter gunship coming towards us? They have all those F-16s, what happened to the no-fly zone?
Revolutionary 2: Ah, yes, that’s right, but what they mean is, it’s “everything they can”, apart from a no-fly zone.
Revolutionary 1: I see. So we’re getting surface-to-air missiles to shoot down the helicopter, right? Thing is, I’ve been back to the pick-up, but I can’t seem to find them? Searched everywhere, even
under the seats. There’s Kalashnikovs and a couple of RPGs, but not sure that’s gonna cut it.
Revolutionary 2: Ah, well, no. I should have been clearer. It’s “everything” apart from the no-fly zones and the SAMs. They can’t do SAMs, apparently, worried the Nusra Front boys might point them in the wrong direction.
Revolutionary 1: Mmm. Okay. Wait…pass the binoculars…oh sh*t. Is that tanks? Well at least the American’s sent those long-range, wire-guided anti-tank missiles…they did, right?
Revolutionary 2: Er…well, not exactly. But aside from no-fly zone, the SAMs and the anti-tank missiles, they’re giving us everything they’ve got.
Revolutionary 1: What?! So what part of “everything” did they send?
[Revolutionary 2 is about to reply when a tank shell bursts nearby, spewing out a strange mustard-coloured powder. Sound of fighters chocking, frothing, clutching at their throats, screams]
Revolutionary 1: Help! I’m hit! I can’t see! My throat’s on fire…the gasmasks, get the gasmasks…
Revolutionary 2: Sorry, seems like there’s been some confusion. They said “everything” but now I’ve gone back and double-checked and – the strangest thing – there’s “nothing” there.

Stephen Kruiser is a professional comedian and writer who has also been a conservative political activist for over two decades. A co-founder of the first Los Angeles Tea Party, Kruiser often speaks to grassroots groups around America and has had the great honor of traveling around the world entertaining U.S. troops.

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All Comments   (4)
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Egypt will surely save the day with the over 3 BILLION $'s Kerry slipped to the Muslim Brotherhood. Hope springs eternal.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
That $3 Billion was hush money to keep their mouths shut until Brennan can isolate and kill them...silencing them forever. Gotta keep Barry out of prison, donthchaknow,,,

Remember BENGHAZI!
47 weeks ago
47 weeks ago Link To Comment
Well, what do you expect from The Ministry of Funny Walk Backs.?
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Oh certainly not. Kerry has the comedic ability of a small Soapdish (with apologies to soapdishes).

More properly, he's rather like the Dorothy Parker quote about a poor performance by an early-on Katherine Hepburn, "She delivered a striking performance that ran the gamut of emotions, from A to B."
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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