Another iPhone 5S Review You Don't Need

Actual product may not match illustration. Ditto the author.

I  am a loyal vassal of Lord Steve.  Even after his death, I follow his orders explicitly.

Dutifully, at exactly 12:01 AM on September 20, 2013, I ordered my iPhone 5S, color “space grey,” on the Apple site.  It was slated for arrival September 26, but arrived one day early at my house.  That’s what happens when you are loyal to Lord Steve.  (Also, you get numerous emails such as… “Your iPhone is in Dong Ding, China.” “Your iPhone has left Dong Ding, China.”  “Your iPhone is in Anchorage, Alaska, freezing its butt off.”  “Your iPhone has just gotten a ticket on the Ventura Freeway and will be delayed, etc.” Then, finally, “Your iPhone is here.  Answer the door, you idiot!”)

And so you do. You immediately, drop everything, rush to the door, pull the box apart (stopping a mini-second to admire the smashing dee-sign) and fire it up.  Even if there were nuclear war, that’s what you do.  Remember this 1980 cartoon?  In 2013 she’d be holding an iPhone (and don’t give me any of your Android lip).

So no sooner did the UPS guy bring my anointed  5S (it was “space grey” — I stayed away from the gold/champagne thing lest my enemies get the idea I was moving to Palm Springs and celebrate), than I pressed the familiar button (these things haven’t changed in a decade after all) and off I went.

At which point… things… slowed…to….a………..crawl…. then…..a……………..halt.

What was up?  My brand new iPhone wasn’t working. And Steve was dead.

Turns out I made a mistake.  I was restoring my phone from the “cloud” — at the same moment  about fourteen million people were doing the same thing, not to mention another seventy-eight million in Guangzhou — instead of using iTunes like any doofus with an IQ in triple digits. But soon enough things loosened and by morning (well, late morning) my new iPhone was ready to go.  (“Why do you have so many apps?” my wife and daughter always asked.  Well, now I don’t.  I learned.)

Okay, so how good is this thing?  Answer:  it’s fine.  Camera’s a little better, Siri’s a little better (I said “Open the voice memo app” and it did it — not that that matters), the thumbprint activation is fun (sort of like the PJ Media office door) and it almost always works (again sort of like the PJ Media office door).

But the truth about whether you should buy an iPhone 5S couldn’t be more obvious.  If you’ve got an iPhone 4S or below, you’d be an idiot not to.  Assuming you’re keeping your cellular service, you’re paying for it anyway.  Why not have a better phone?  If you already have an iPhone 5 and aren’t George Soros, save your money and suffer until next year when the iPhone 6 comes out and you can lord it over all us hapless iPhone 5S owners. (I’m already gnashing my teeth.)

And you can have the IOS 7 operating system now without having to buy anything and get that nifty button that turns your phone into a flashlight.

Speaking of which, I noted on Instapundit a few minutes ago that Glenn hasn’t downloaded IOS7 to his phone yet.  Don’t listen to him.  Go for it.  He’s probably one of those guys who didn’t buy the White Album until six weeks after it came out.

And as for you Android fans, I’m saving you for last.  You don’t like Apple, eh?  It’s totalitarian and behind the times.  Baloney.  Apple products are what they are because they are aesthetically gorgeous and fantastically well made.  When you pick up an iPhone, it’s like getting behind the wheel of a BMW.  Would you rather have a Chevy or a BMW?  And in this case the difference isn’t thirty grand,  it’s like forty bucks.  And your iPhone will work with your Air and your iPad and soon enough, probably, your television and your wrist watch without your having to think about it.  What’s not to like?

I look at it this way — every second I spend complaining about iPhones of iPads or iWhatever, which work, is a second I’m NOT complaining about Obamacare, which most certainly won’t.