The Vlady-Bibi Tapes
I dunno, maybe they should be called vladybibileaks, in keeping with current nomenclature, but whatever you call them, I’ve obtained a recording of (parts of) the conversation between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Russian President Vladimir Putin. They met in Jerusalem on Monday, and the tapes arrived here late Tuesday night by courier.
PJ Media spares no expense, you know.
The recording is pretty good, but it seems the machinery stopped a few times, so the text is a bit disjointed. Nonetheless I think it provides a useful insight into the real world, as opposed to the stuff we read about so often in the popular press. The early part is just pleasant chit-chat, as Putin expresses satisfaction at being in Israel, nominally for a celebration of Red Army victories over Hitler’s army in the Second World War. Whereupon they segue into the main topics of the day:
BIBI: “We commemorate Nazi defeats here, you know.”
VLADY: “Yes, but even so it’s rare for me to be invited to an event honoring the Soviet military. Once upon a time, rulers in the Kremlin spent a lot of time flying around the satellite countries for such parties, but now nobody in those places honors our sacrifices.”
BIBI: “Don’t get me started on ingratitude. We Jews know all about that one!”
VLADY: “Hah! Well you are designated scapegoats, after all. And it’s time for you to play your designated role once again.”
BIBI: “It’s always time, and we don’t have to do anything; they do it to us.”
VLADY: “Of course. But now you should do something to show them it’s a mistake to trifle with Jews.”
BIBI: “You talking about Iran or Syria now?”
VLADY: “Iran, of course. You must leave Syria to us, as I told Mr. Obama.”
[missing section]
BIBI: “Let me make sure I understand you correctly. Are you saying you think we should go after your friends in Tehran?”
VLADY: “Some friends! You can’t imagine the problems with them. After all I’ve done, we still can’t get our invoices paid in a reasonable amount of time.”
BIBI: “Well maybe you shouldn’t have built that nuclear reactor, or arranged for them to get your antiaircraft missiles.”
VLADY: “I didn’t sell them antiaircraft missiles.”
BIBI: “You sold the missiles to Chavez in Venezuela, and he sent them to Iran, as you well know. That was the deal, wasn’t it?”
VLADY: “We gave you the jamming instructions for them, didn’t we? And the reactor still doesn’t work.”
BIBI: “So why should we do anything about it?”
VLADY: “Because it’s too dangerous to take chances with them. They’re crazy, but they’re smart, too, and eventually they will figure it out. We can’t have those crazy people with atomic bombs. And you’re the first target, so what are you waiting for?”
BIBI: “You know what? That’s precisely what the Saudis say. Word for word. ‘What are you waiting for?’ Interesting that the atheists and the Wahabbis say the same thing, don’t you think?”
VLADY: “It’s not a religious question, you know.”
BIBI: “Really? Have you tested that theory on Supreme Leader Khamenei?”
VLADY: “No. His predecessor tried to convince one of my predecessors to convert to Islam, haha.”
BIBI: “So what will you do to help us if we decide to do something?”
VLADY: “What did the Saudis offer?”
BIBI: “What do the Russians offer? I assume you will denounce us within hours, and call for the usual international conference to save the world from Zionist imperialism…”
VLADY: “Of course. If the Iranians suspect we’re helping you, things might get even worse. This way, I’ll have at least some control over the Persians.
What will we do for you? We’ve already promised that the Israeli Air Force doesn’t have to worry about Russian missiles, if you follow our instructions.”
BIBI: “How about placing some homing devices in the middle of their secret centrifuges?”
VLADY: “We might consider that.”
BIBI: “Some offer! You’re asking us to run the risk of massive retaliation and promising to lead the denunciation chorus when we do what you want. You’d better be willing to do more than enable us to beat the antiaircraft system.”
VLADY: “I understand how you feel. But, as I told that nice Spanish man, Aznar, I really don’t have to do anything about Iran, because you’re going to have to take care of it anyway.”
[Missing section]
BIBI: “I take it you don’t want the Americans involved?”
VLADY: “And you do, of course.”
BIBI: “You answer first.”
VLADY: “I don’t want them involved, but not for the reason you likely imagine. I’m not worried about America expanding its influence. That’s unthinkable these days. Nobody, but nobody in the Middle East believes this American president has the will to fight effectively for his friends or allies.
My concern is that if the Americans get involved, they’ll make a mess of it. Yes, they’ve got amazing weapons, and wonderful soldiers. But they can’t make political decisions and so they can win the fighting on the ground and then find a way to leave their enemies stronger than before.”
BIBI: “Like Iraq, you’re thinking?”
VLADY: “And Libya. And of course Egypt, where they have enabled the Brotherhood–declared enemies of the United States–to become the premier political force. And they seem quite happy about it, too. Amazing.”
BIBI: “I just want the Americans to help us with some technical matters, but I agree with you that they seem to have an odd desire to see their proclaimed enemies succeed, and their declared or would-be friends defeated. It’s hard to explain.”
VLADY: “They think that past presidents have caused the basic problems in the region by supporting the wrong sort of regimes, and they believe organizations like the Brotherhood have a legitimate complaint against America.”
[section missing]
BIBI: “So where do we stand?”
VLADY: “You need to confirm that you’re going to solve this problem as quickly as possible. I will try to find some way to hold Syria together, even if the regime in Tehran falls, and then we will work together to limit Turkey’s power in the region.”
BIBI: “But what if the sanctions work?”
VLADY: “Do you think your sabotage of the nuclear program can delay the day of judgment long enough to test the theory? Can you risk that? We of course will help the Iranians beat the sanctions, and so will our dear Chinese friends, and the Indians will both support and evade the sanctions. You’re looking at several more years, at a minimum.”
BIBI: “And revolution in Iran?”
VLADY: “Yes, that’s the wild card. Who knows? At least we can be sure that neither the Americans nor the Europeans will do anything to encourage it. The Arab revolutions aren’t working out well for them, and they are more determined than before to solve things with the ayatollahs.”
BIBI: “OK, VLADY, I think we understand each other. You owe me an answer on Russian assistance if we decide to do something, and I owe you a head’s up on our decision.
Now what shall we say to the press?”
VLADY: “How about I insist that everyone except us stay out of the Syrian mess, and that neither military force nor harsher sanctions should be used against Iran?”
BIBI: “OK, and I’ll say that we want peaceful solutions to both problems, but that tougher sanctions must be imposed on Iran.”
VLADY: “Done! And we’ll be in touch.”
BIBI: “Yes. You holding a ceremony to celebrate the liberation of Auschwitz? I might accept an invitation…”
reminiscent of the angleton diaries
I have my own version:
Bibi: Welcome, welcome to Jerusalem.
Vlady: Thanks. It’s very warm here.
Bibi: Yes, it’s very warm here. Do you drink Vodka?
Vlady: Only to excess.
Bibi: Ha, ha, ha.
Vlady: Ha, ha,ha.
1 hour later:
Bibi: And the Jew said: “You ARE on the other side of the river.”
Vlady: Ha, ha, ha.
Bibi: Ha, ha, ha.
One of your better channeling sessions.
Slick propaganda attempt, I’m sure the powers that be in DC will tremble. Only your psyop faltered when you inserted “atheist” instead of Orthodox Christian for Putin. Better luck next time.
You’re making assumptions that because Orthodox (Russian aka Eastern) was the dominant belief pre 1917 that because Vlad the Impaler is Russian he is a believer but reality is that over 7 decades of atheistic communism, would seem to say that is not the case. Each generation was indoctrinated by the godless state to serve the god of state manifested in communism, and one did not advance in the party, unless one was a devoted disciple of Marx and Lenin, not Jesus.
In case you haven’t read the news since 1989, the USSR and its communist ideology no longer exist. It would help if you knew a little more of modern Russia before falling back on cold war stereotypes.
Are you telling us “jgets” that up to the ‘Atheist’ bit you thought it was all true and not a joke? Seems so otherwise why make such a pathetic nitpicking point – what a naive gullible fool you are.
No on the contrary, I know it’s not true. Why else would I call it a propaganda piece in the first place you idiot. Propaganda in in the guise of satire, since you need someone to spell it out for you. The use of “atheist” instead of “Christian” was meant to alarm the deep cold war influenced subconscious of the reader (the enemy of the US, Putin). It was also a foolish attempt to threaten an Russian-Israeli alliance if the brat doesn’t get what it wants from Mama America. Very counterproductive strategy for Israeli interests.
i don’t appreciate this sort of nonsense, just address the issues and stop trying to read my mind. i’m trying to use humor to challenge the conventional wisdom, that’s all.
My apologies. IMHO, your long distinguished public service demands a less superficial treatment of serious foreign policy issues. People other than jokers read your column and draw their own conclusions.
I am sure it was refreshing for both Putin and Netanyahu to talk together rather than having to listen to Obama’s empty moralistic prattle. The two of them are hard headed realists. They would not waste time on slogans.
Israel is saying that the talks were a major reason behind Russia’s decision to cancel the sale of S-300 antiaircraft system to Syria. Shooting down the Turkish jet probably didnt help the Syrian case either.
Russia is not going to change its policies vis Iran and Syria but at least you know where they are coming from and what to expect.
I think both Putin and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are so sick of Obama that they’ve finally decided to see if they can come to some sort of agreement on Iran on their own. For an ally like Israel to cut America out of negotiations like this is simply stunning, and it just shows you the lack of trust Israel now has for both Obama and Clinton. Israel probably thinks Obama and Hillary no longer have Israel’s best interests at heart and are trying to bypass the United States in dealing with the one world power that would actually DO something about Iran. And that’s just pathetic. I shudder to think what Israel will do and how they will feel of Obama gets re-elected (God Forbid). They will feel totally abandoned and, with Obama in office, they’ll be right.
The world without dangerous nuclear Tehran’s Regime will be a better world.
Crush this madness military nuclear tyrant with the highest and most shocking attack, their criminal military blood drinkers must defeat, crush and erase of the earth.
Rapid with more speed, like a thunder, please.
Not sure I buy this, although I’d like to believe it. Still, this conversation completely alerts everyone in the region, especially Iran, to the plan. Nice going PJ Media.. not.
You do realize it is a joke right?
No Dave I dont think he gets it I think he is as naive and gullible as jgets is too. Is it any wonder LYING obscenities like Barry Soetero Kardashian can get elected when there are people such as these around.
i read an article awhile back about how close the isreali military is to the chinese military. another obama failure among many!
Great work! It actually reflects the high regard the world’s leaders have for the smartest man to ever occupy the White House. Pity Obama is so harmful, he could have had great comedic potential.
Don’t forget, he’s also the coolest. That’s even more important. (He does a mean Al Green.)
fun stuff.
i wonder how close this is to being accurate. mybe closer than we think.
The US media are the only ones who haven’t realized that Mr. Obama is a coward!
Michael, it’s amazing stuff, thank you very much. Sometimes it is so amazing that it is difficult to believe in authenticity of it. I hope even Obama and his unwilling allies in Tehran now will understand the situation more realistically. Bibi is well aware of the nature and mentality of Russian nomenclature capitalism and its relations with democracy; nationalism, cruelty and global ambitions, and inferiority complex are still inseparable part of it. But Putin knew perfectly well to what his historic visit would lead. He understands that if everything goes well, Mother Russia might get from this visit political and economic dividends including the Israeli hi-tech which it is unable to produce so far. i wonder how self-righteous NYTimes will swallow this very positive development.
All of Russia’s best high-tech people are now in Haifa.
hahah! well, except for those in Boston, Washington, and Silicon Valley.
“…at which point the make believe prince kissed the fairy princess and they both woke up in the bottom of a N Korean salt pit…” it is though interesting, but the “missing pieces” is sort of like the “missing 18 minutes” from Rosemary Woods & Watergate. Should such a conversation have taken place as alleged it could have well included bits & pieces of what was surmised, the Russians will stand with Syria because they can’t afford to let China In to replace them. Assad can be controlled, Iran on the otherhand is the world’s worst nightmare, not even the Russians let alone Israel want them to have nukes, the key to Iran is not the US, we are useless, but internal revolution is the only solution, Iranians are Iranians and will totally unite against an outsider, but internally it is a different story…
if you want internal revolution, as i do, then we are anything but “useless.” we are the key to it all.
There was never been the most unit nation in history higher than German Nazi Nation, but United States crushed and defeat that monster highly equipped and skilled Nazi Army and their terrible Military Industries with more powerful military mass productions and tremendous continuous air attacks, How ? By chance? No. by highly smart and political maneuvers, conducted by Sir Winston Churchill, who triggered and force the Roosevelt to act against Deutschland. History never watched more solid nation than Deutschland until nowadays. That predicated five hundred years ago! Can you get it? Its energy was so powerful and shocking which five hundred years ago felt by a prophet, try to study more.
Just only a more powerful Opponent can defeat competitor. Consider the history and some chess games, please.
You know Iranian nation from outside or me from inside? Are you an Iranian or me? You can evaluate and analyze our history, our psychology, our nation or me? Can I speak and write English fluently or with Texan cowboy’s accent or you? Certainly you, who born in United States, not me, if I want cooperate on a serious discussion American accent meeting; just I make the attendants and audience, laugh! Or they do not get me serious, because they easily find that I know nothing about their country and their culture and I’m not an American. So, just read and distinguish, please.
I just advise you, read more and more, you can’t travel all places on globe or in past times, but you can easily refer to your congress library which I think it is located on your N.Y city and spend some more time in it instead of going to Broadway and watching movies. Or at last search in net, yes network, there are many useful digital books and reading materials to illuminate you. Do you know what your problem is? You and your news Medias and even Doctor Ledeen, deceived by our devil advocate, fake scholar escapees who found a hole somewhere in London, or in your country. Like Abdulkarim Soroush and Co, who made this So-called Green movement. These *ucker mothers are those who plot and banned the universities and changed their scientific essence, to Black Reactionary backward ideas in Iran for about three years in 1979, three years all the universities of a country closed by a political criminal gangs who suddenly appeared after a fake revolution! That robbed by thieves. Do you know for what? To build their tyranny and power, that was one of their wide spread plots and projects to establish their cursed tyrannical pyramid of power. Eliminate and purge all the elements and dissidents and intellectuals, which could challenge and question and deny their tyranny. Like purging those Skeptic elements in U.S by McCarthy senator era, (influenced by communism in U.S, but it hardly be compare, because they are wholly different from basement, but they are common in power basement fundamental) It seems you can’t recognize what really is Black Reactionary, and how it’s action in Iran and what is its stream in Iran’s history and how it could and can do on the Iran nation’s mind. Go and read, the Red Revolution in Russia and how Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov (Lenin) could brings down the tsars. Lenin is the best political exterminator in revolutions history, until now. The Tude party (its fake name in Iran to attract the goat-nation, Communists, it’s origin) help the black reactionary to grab the power, and build and administer the country. You know for what? For vengeance against the monarch and king and C.I.A, because they crushed by coup d’état before 1979 in 1952 I think. And then do you know what mullah’s dealt with them-Tude party? Mullah’s crushed them in response for their desperate helps to Islamic Republic of Iran! Isn’t it so funny? The Iran’s history is full of these strange stupidities and demonically struggles for power. Green movement is not more than a show, to deceive the westerners to convince them do not get decide against Iran, to give them hope that this horrible nuke ambition can solve very cheaply. Iranians are master in lie and fake and delusion, even they can easily deceive the entire world for their *ucking plots. Didn’t you see their ridicule carnivals which sometimes run in New York or Los Angeles? To say what?: Hey Americans!, respect us! We are a great *ucking nation! But only with a tool of deception. And it is so funny that some people like you or your politicians hope on these Iranian creatures to bring down the mullahs from inside! Yes I know, it is so much cheaper method to erase the enemy instead of military attack, westerners just only think about their pockets. But it’s not practical and you saw it, defeated by highly equipped security mullahs systems, which sold by American security companies to Tehran’s regime! Did you see! this is some complicated and ridiculous! Money and Lie. Lie is a highly currency coin in political world.
You know buddy, we, Iranian ordinary nation, are not more than some lamb or goat cattle, who always had and will have and need shepherd. We are backward toward behind past times. A weak and ignored nation who always exploited by inside and outside, how can be a unite military brigade to obey the commanders?! To stop a highly skilled army for their nuclear ambitions? Obviously it can’t effective. Just nation will give to massacre. Like these days in Syria who triggered by westerners, and Bashar army slaughter them in response, but westerns just concerned about their economy crisis in wall street and Europe.
At the end I repeat one more time there’s no cheap way to stop the mullah’s nuclear ambition. The goat cattle can’t do in your favor. You let and give them power, Carter and air France jet…..remember? And now after 33 years you compel to destroy them, by yourself, otherwise they’ll rip the Israel asshole! With their missiles. That was a soup your democrats always cooked for third world nation. Don’t you believe? Just take a look at Egypt nowadays; how Obama put a melon skin under Mubarak’s feet! And push him to fall on his head. Egypt will be ready to attack the Israel. Democrats always pissed on the Republicans legs!
Internal revolution? Shit, such a spectacular revolution baked in Egypt!
This is a fine piece of satire. only wish that Bibi would of used the word 0sambo in stead of “The Americans”….we Americans will probably get a new prezz that will once again make us proud…..and insure our best friend ‘over there’ that we truely do have their back….Mr Ledeen This is an issue that i think we better be serious about, Bibi cannot trust that scheming Putin, no more than he can trust ozamb0…….Heaven guide mr Netanyahu….Jimi
Michael,
You’ve surpassed yourself. This is brilliant. I wonder what you make of this:
http://www.bhol.co.il/article.aspx?id=42112&cat=1&scat=1
Apparently Putin told an Orthodox Jew at the Kotel, in Russian, that he was there to pray for the restoration of the Temple. There’s a video clip in Russian.
BTW, I broke the story two years ago that Israel had placed an order for SU-32′s:
http://www.tabletmag.com/jewish-news-and-politics/37048/fantasia
The Poo didn’t say any such thing there
Are those tapes really true ?
Ha-ha. It’s fake. Do you believe such persons can use “Judgement Day” stamp in their official conversation?
This may sound like a silly question. The dialogue here is so enormously important that I would think that news agencies the world over, including Fox News, would be grapping for the chance to hear the conversation. The silence is so loud that I have begun to wonder if, just perhaps, PJM is having a bit or ironic fun with us readers. So my silly question is: Are the leaks the real thing. Please forgive my naive questions. It is just that I cannot understand the loud silence.
OMG not another one.
Here is what my usually very reliable sources tell me. After a few days of negotiating with several television news outlets Dr. Ledeen had, in fact, reached a verbal agreement to give the tapes to the one which had offered him top dollars (eight figures, i was told). But, apparently, just before the deal could be signed he was surreptitiously approached by an intermediary from the DOJ showing him the un-redacted versions of the Fast and Furious documents subpoenaed by Darrell Issa. As it turns out, according to said documents, the guns that were walked in the botched operation had ended up in the hands of the aging survivors of the once powerful Nicaraguan Contras and not the Mexican drug cartels as the duped public has been led to believe. Dr. Ledeen, the patron saint of the Contras, was told that lest he wished these documents be leaked to the media laying the blame squarely at his feet for the mayhem caused by the aforementioned guns, he should immediately stop from going any further with the mass dissemination of the Netanyahu-Putin tapes. Seems like the threat has worked.
it’s tough for a Jew to become a patron saint, radish. you can’t imagine how hard i have tried…
Details, details and more details! Okee dokee, one of the k’doshim. Pedantry satisfied.
Well, its been two days now since this was written and no word yet from Mr. Ledeen on whether its parody or an authentic transcript. With all the wondering, he still hasn’t responded. This would leave me to believe it is true but that he has had second thoughts on having it published. And I can’t imagine he would let a prank go this far.
However, also a little hard to believe nobody else has picked up on this and that he would have chosen on such an important transcript to refer to Netanyahu as “Bibi” and Putin as “Vlady.”
Mr Ledeen, would you PLEASE clarify.
Keith.
Here, pull my finger….
hahaaaaaaaa
The best thing about satire is there’s the element of truth behind it. It makes you sigh.
Russian interior stability (oil price ) is built by creating the external instability.
I say we let Russia have Iran.