Don We Now Our Gay Apparel Ugly Sweaters

Chris Chicago, a runner-up in the Shocklee’s annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party Contest. Where dressing ugly becomes a fine art.

Now is the perfect time to get ready for one of our favorite Christmas traditions, the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.

It’s never too early to start shopping for just the right sweater. In fact, if you don’t find one by the end of November then forget it. The thrift stores run out early, and face it, the only thing worse than wearing the ugliest sweater you can find is paying full retail price for it.

Although if you want to hold your head up in public wearing a Christmas montage I suggest you design your own.

A few years back this concept was an affront to my sensibilities. Why would anyone want to go to a party and meet new people wearing something tacky?

No one has ever accused me of being a slave to fashion. However, this took some real mental adjusting over a period of years just to actually enjoy it.

The first two years I bought very traditional, and very ugly, sweaters. The first one was made out of some sort of cheap fuzzy red yarn that made me look like Elmo on Sesame Street. The following year was equally as bad. A black, button-down sweater covered in snowmen made of varying sized white buttons and ribbons.

Would you believe that there are people on this planet that actually thought those sweaters were “cute”?

At the first party I was accused of not playing along.

To this day, I’m not sure if I should be offended or not. Did they really think I came dressed like Tickle-Me-Elmo thinking I was NOT participating?

The following year proved a little more embarrassing and another complete fail. Neglecting to make my own dish to bring to the party, a quick stop at the local grocery store seemed like the easiest fix. That is, until we pulled up and not one of us wanted to get out of the car in our Christmas sweaters.

Somehow, I got elected.

As I grabbed the first pie I could find and dashed to the ~~finish~~ checkout line, I thought I made it undetected. Then the clerk remarked in a loud voice, “I love your sweater! That is so cute.” Apparently, it was assumed this was part of my normal Christmas attire.

I mumbled a stunned and bewildered “thanks” and hurried out of the store.

Then there was last year when my girlfriend decided I needed help…