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I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I watched Duck Dynasty for the first time on Wednesday. It’s so popular in our area that it’s almost considered unpatriotic if you can’t carry on an intelligent conversation about the Robertson family. In fact, so many people at our church watch the show that I’m beginning to think we belong to a cult. My own son has been seen running around Wayne County wearing a Duck Dynasty t-shirt (causing me the same consternation Captain von Trapp felt in The Sound of Music when his children were seen hanging from trees in Salzburg wearing clothing made from old drapes).

Wednesday night A&E aired the long-awaited season premiere of the hit reality series. The Robertson family, operators of the Duck Commander business in West Monroe, Louisiana, began their fourth season by celebrating the anniversary of Phil and Miss Kay, who were married before a justice of the peace 49 years ago.

Phil told the judge, “We got our blood tests here that proves we don’t have any venereal diseases.”

The judge answered, “You got good, clean blood. You want her?”

“Yeah.”

To which the judge answered, “Give me $15.”

“That’s the best $15 I ever borrowed,” recalled Phil.

That’s no girl’s idea of a dream wedding, so Phil and Miss Kay’s daughters-in-law decided to throw them a surprise ceremony to renew their vows.

It fell on Uncle Si to keep Phil and Miss Kay busy the day of the wedding while the rest of the family prepared for the surprise ceremony. He invited them out for an anniversary ice cream run, but Phil was skeptical. “Let me get this right. My little brother, Silas Robertson, nekked up until he was 6 years old, offered to take us somewhere on our anniversary? And we’re actually going to do this?”

Miss Kay said, “He said ice cream. Won’t that be fun?”

Phil scoffed, “He ran nekked until he was 6 years old.” Phil spoke to the camera, “Supposedly he’s going to put us on an ice cream run. That’s what you do when you run out of things to do. Is that what he said, ice cream? Boy, I am fired up about that. That’s post-retirement. That’s almost the beginning stages of dementia, probably.”

Miss Kay tried to reassure her husband of 49 years: “It’s our anniversary today, so be happy, happy, happy!”

Phil intoned, “Oh, I’m happy, happy happy. Don’t doubt that. You and I ought to swing by the clinic.”