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5 Reasons Men Cheat

Are you missing the signs?

by
John Hawkins

Bio

January 23, 2013 - 7:00 am

Cheating always seems like such a black-and-white issue, doesn’t it? Of course, in one sense, it is. You cheated? Then you’re the bad guy (or girl) and your partner has every right to be upset, angry, hurt, and to never forgive you.

All true.

However, if you know a few people who cheat, you start to find out it’s not always so simple. That doesn’t mean the cheater’s justified, but it does mean he may have reasons for what he’s doing that go beyond not being able to keep it in his pants for more than five minutes at a time. The truth that no one likes to hear, especially after a person has been two-timed, is that happy, intellectually stimulated, sexually satisfied people who are deeply in love aren’t the ones who are playing around. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s okay or that the one who was cheated on is at fault, but cheating usually doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

If you know a lot of men (and women), what you’ll find is that there are a lot of common themes that come up.

Mystery will commit!

Mystery will commit!

1) He’s morally okay with cheating on his partner

Not everybody who cheats will cheat again, but on the other hand, the first question you should ask about whether someone will be faithful is, “Has he cheated before?” If it wasn’t so sad, it would be funny how many women have an affair with a married man and then are shocked when he later does the same thing to them. It’s not as if you have to give women hints and signs about what they need to look out for because they already know; it’s just that they believe it won’t happen to them, too.

2) The woman lets herself go

Here’s an unpleasant truth that shatters some of the romantic myths we like to believe about ourselves: Very rarely will you see an unmarried couple separated by more than 2 points of attractiveness unless the man is a celebrity or filthy rich. So, would that model-hot wife have ever fallen for the average looking senator if he had never been elected? Would Julia Roberts have ever dated Lyle Lovett if he wasn’t already famous? Would Kanye West date Kim Kardashian if she didn’t look like that?

We hate to hear this, but no, no, and no.

This is why it’s very dangerous for a woman to let herself become frumpy if her husband is still in shape. Because he might not say it (for good reason) or ever act on it, but the words, “Wow, I could do a lot better” are going to go through his mind. That’s dangerous because it means at some point, he’s going to be around some pretty little thing who excites him in a way the wife no longer does and next thing you know…

3) He’s stuck in a sexual desert

Nobody gets in a relationship to “not have sex.” Even men who date chaste women are at least thrilled by the promise of sex to come. That’s why it’s so strange that some women have come to the conclusion that it’s fine if copulation is going to be a once-in-a-blue-moon event. The “why” is probably something to share with a therapist, but the result is that the partner is going to be tempted to look elsewhere — and what else would you expect? Sex is an implicit promise in a long-term relationship and it may not be good, right, or moral for a man to cheat if his needs aren’t being met, but it’s about as surprising as the sun coming up in the morning.

This will not end well

4) He’s bored

There are a lot of negative things you can say about cheating, but one of them certainly isn’t, “It’s dull.” There’s the thrill of the hunt, the fear of getting caught, the challenge of managing a second relationship, the pride in having two women, the torrid emotions, and, of course, the sex! For a lot of guys in unfulfilling jobs who have a monotonous home life, having a fling may be the single most exciting thing that they’ve done in years. You’ve heard people say, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop”? Well, tedious relationships are the devil’s bordello.

Bad relationship

5) His relationship is a disaster

We all know people whose relationship is dead on arrival, but they’re still together for the kids, financial reasons, fear of change, habit, worries about their reputation; they don’t believe in divorce, etc., etc. So, the man is in a relationship that may be miserable or at least stagnant and he has very little hope that it’s going to get better. He doesn’t feel admired, intimate, passionate, or deeply in touch with his partner — but he still wants all of those things in his life. So, if he finds a woman who offers him the emotional connection that he’s missing, his heart (and his head) is going to drift towards her. Every man wants to be built up, stimulated, and admired. If he’s not getting that out of the relationship he’s in, then his eye and his heart are going to start to wander.

*****

Previously on gender and relationships from John Hawkins:

5 Things Women Do That Secretly Annoy Men

7 Mistakes Women Make with Men

5 Differences Between Boys and Real Men

John Hawkins is a professional writer who runs Right Wing News and Linkiest. He's also the co-owner of the The Looking Spoon. Additionally, he does weekly appearances on the #1 in its market Jaz McKay show, writes a weekly column for Townhall and PJ Media, does YouTube videos, and his work has also been published at the Washington Examiner, The Hill, and at Human Events. He's also the blogosphere's premier interviewer and has interviewed conservatives like Thomas Sowell, Mark Levin, Victor Davis Hanson, Mark Steyn, G. Gordon Liddy, Dick Morris, Karl Rove, Michael Steele, Milton Friedman, Jonah Goldberg, Jim DeMint, Walter Williams, Robert Novak, Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, & Michelle Malkin among others. Moreover, John Hawkins' work has been linked and discussed in numerous publications and on TV and radio shows including ABC News, BusinessWeek, C-Span, The Chicago Tribune, CNN, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Editor & Publisher, Fox News, Hannity and Colmes, The Laura Ingraham Show, Minneapolis Star Tribune, MSNBC, National Journal, National Post, Newsmax, Newsweek, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Rush Limbaugh Show, The Tammy Bruce Show, Time Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The Hugh Hewitt Show, The Washington Post, Salt Lake Tribune, Scarborough Country, U.S. News & World Report, and Human Events, where he had a weekly column. Right Wing News has been studied by college classes and even inspired an urban legend that was covered at Snopes. Last but not least, John Hawkins also founded and led the Rightroots group, a grassroots effort that collected almost $300,000 for Republican candidates in the last 3 months of the 2006 election cycle. In 2008, he consulted for Duncan Hunter's presidential campaign and was on the board of Slatecard, which raised more than $600,000 for Republican candidates in the 2008 election cycle. In 2011, he helped found Raising Red, although he left the organization the same year and went on to become one of the co-founders of Not Mitt Romney.com.
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Top Rated Comments   
I too agree only so far with the author. I must counter that while some very valid reasons are given, there is one very obvious one that is completely missed.....

Because the trollop he's chasing will let him do it.

Let me be frank... if women would stop rewarding this behavior by gladly parting their legs for any man who flirts with them regardless of his cheating or not... if the women would stop making excuses for why it's 'OKAY' or 'understandable' that he should feel the need to cheat, if women would stop watching soap operas as guides to personal interactions and slam the door in the face of the jerk the moment you find out he is stepping out on his wife to be with her..... Then the large majority of this problem would vanish over night.

Unfortunately the core of this problem lies not with the woman as you seem to direct, and not with the man, but lies with this culture's need to be happy, damn the consequences or who gets hurt. In the narcissistic pursuit of self gratification, the justifications listed above make perfect sense. The male is clearly incapable of honorable, loyal, trustworthy behavior without the woman being at his sexual beck and call and at her prime as an ornament for his awesomeness..... Or... as you said in your first, if he's given to cheat he's going to continue to do it.... granted, but you laid it at the women's feet to choose to improve themselves to meet his standards or don't choose a man who cheats....

You have completely ignored that men cheat because society accepts and idolizes trollops.... There is no social stigma attached to the best friend who runs off with your man, there is actually a heavy push in society to be understanding and not involve your friends in the fight over a back stabbing trollop and a horndog of a husband unable to value commitment and friendship or deny their basest impulses in favor of not hurting others...

Quite frankly, the underlying message here seems to be Men cheat, women if you don't want them too, don't have kids, don't get old, don't get ugly and have 'relations' with them whenever they want you to... Because you're the one whose job it is to keep HIM happy....

Isn't this EXACTLY The kind of theme that the progressive Liberal Media is trying to ram down our throats daily? It's not his fault, you drove him to it, you have to be understanding, he's not able to stop himself from being disloyal or unfaithful... Uh huh.... I'm suddenly starting to see why lesbianism may be a good idea if that's the sort of sh*t Conservatives AND Liberals are shoveling when it comes to a man's honor and responsibility being worth sh*t if he isn't getting it polished once a day by a hottie.

Now I understand your point here was how a woman could choose to correct the situation... and making an honorable man out of a louse seems impossible... but... I put it to you... if he thinks that CHEAPLY of the woman he pledged his life to, to run around on her despite his vows rather than end their marriage, then wouldn't the woman be better off without him as the man has no honor, no loyalty and is by his very nature dishonest and untrustworthy? If your man cheats, dump his butt, he's not worth the heart ache trying to compete with some trollop.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (3)
All Comments   (3)
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I too agree only so far with the author. I must counter that while some very valid reasons are given, there is one very obvious one that is completely missed.....

Because the trollop he's chasing will let him do it.

Let me be frank... if women would stop rewarding this behavior by gladly parting their legs for any man who flirts with them regardless of his cheating or not... if the women would stop making excuses for why it's 'OKAY' or 'understandable' that he should feel the need to cheat, if women would stop watching soap operas as guides to personal interactions and slam the door in the face of the jerk the moment you find out he is stepping out on his wife to be with her..... Then the large majority of this problem would vanish over night.

Unfortunately the core of this problem lies not with the woman as you seem to direct, and not with the man, but lies with this culture's need to be happy, damn the consequences or who gets hurt. In the narcissistic pursuit of self gratification, the justifications listed above make perfect sense. The male is clearly incapable of honorable, loyal, trustworthy behavior without the woman being at his sexual beck and call and at her prime as an ornament for his awesomeness..... Or... as you said in your first, if he's given to cheat he's going to continue to do it.... granted, but you laid it at the women's feet to choose to improve themselves to meet his standards or don't choose a man who cheats....

You have completely ignored that men cheat because society accepts and idolizes trollops.... There is no social stigma attached to the best friend who runs off with your man, there is actually a heavy push in society to be understanding and not involve your friends in the fight over a back stabbing trollop and a horndog of a husband unable to value commitment and friendship or deny their basest impulses in favor of not hurting others...

Quite frankly, the underlying message here seems to be Men cheat, women if you don't want them too, don't have kids, don't get old, don't get ugly and have 'relations' with them whenever they want you to... Because you're the one whose job it is to keep HIM happy....

Isn't this EXACTLY The kind of theme that the progressive Liberal Media is trying to ram down our throats daily? It's not his fault, you drove him to it, you have to be understanding, he's not able to stop himself from being disloyal or unfaithful... Uh huh.... I'm suddenly starting to see why lesbianism may be a good idea if that's the sort of sh*t Conservatives AND Liberals are shoveling when it comes to a man's honor and responsibility being worth sh*t if he isn't getting it polished once a day by a hottie.

Now I understand your point here was how a woman could choose to correct the situation... and making an honorable man out of a louse seems impossible... but... I put it to you... if he thinks that CHEAPLY of the woman he pledged his life to, to run around on her despite his vows rather than end their marriage, then wouldn't the woman be better off without him as the man has no honor, no loyalty and is by his very nature dishonest and untrustworthy? If your man cheats, dump his butt, he's not worth the heart ache trying to compete with some trollop.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I think that there is more cheating now because of women's lib. Men and women are in intimate situations in the workplace that are inappropriate for men and women who are not married to each other. Feminist/Cultural Marxism can be found at the root of all our social ills.
P.S. I thought of Mrs. David Petraeus with the "woman lets herself go" reason.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I am shocked (and newly educated) at some of the assertions in the post about why Men cheat. I agree with most of them. However, i had always hated the phrase "letting herself go" UGH! It reminds me of Jack Nicholson's character in The Witches of Eastwick when he talks about the irony of the desires of men. He says something to the effect of, "A Man gets upset that his wife is "dead" when he is the one who killed her." It "takes two to tango" and while cheating does not happen in a vacuum, a turned-off wife doesn't happen in a vacuum either.

One point I would make regarding the "letting herself go" comment. I truly believe that what is more important to a man is the sex in his marriage. A wife may not look exactly as she did when he married her, but if the sex life is good, he doesn't care so much. I know many a "perfectly toned" gal who works so hard to keep her body in shape that she is too tired to have sex. She may have not "let herself go, but she ain't giving it to her husband either!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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