So, guys: your girl drives you crazy sometimes, huh? Hey, deep down, we get it. We know that it’s a lot to ask of you to keep the toilet seat up, read our minds, and talk to us. But guess what, fellas? It kinda goes both ways. And I’m not talking about the obvious, like… well, keeping the toilet seat up, or your inability to listen. We love you, but sometimes you just drive us crazy. Not only do these things drive us crazy, but we just can’t understand them. We just can’t understand why you do things like…
Act Like Babies When You’re Sick
Why is it that when men get sick, they act as if they’ve just been diagnosed with terminal cancer? Women get the flu, and we don’t really have the luxury of wallowing around in bed, moaning for someone to come baby us. We still have to buck up and take care of the kids, keep the house clean, and get dinner on the table. Sure, our head is pounding, our nose is running, and we feel like crap. But stuff still needs to get done.
Men, on the other hand… you get a cold, and it’s like you’re literally dying. You basically become five year olds crying for mommy. And who gets to play mommy? That’s right, we do. We’ve got to cuddle you, cater to your every need, and basically treat you like you’ve magically turned into one of our children. It’s somewhat amusing, but mostly aggravating, because, hey, we get it — being sick sucks. But is it that hard to suck it up and deal with it? And we know, we know. You’d return the favor for us. But the thing is, women don’t turn into crying, sniveling babies when we get sick. Why is it that the person who’s supposed to be the tougher one in the relationship always does just that?
Manscaping Too Much
There’s no woman alive who doesn’t want her man to look his best. A certain amount of grooming is expected. But the trend over the past few years seems to be taking the concept of manscaping a bit too far. Spray tans, plucking your eyebrows, waxing your chest, carefully styling your hair… who is the girl in this relationship again?
Maybe it’s because you’re just copying what you see celebrities do. After all, that’s the kind of guy we’re drooling over, right? But there’s a slight problem with that. Those primped, plucked, and prettied-up men in magazines are nice to look at. But no woman wants her guy to actually act like that. When you are more concerned with your appearance than we are, there’s a serious problem. Plus, guess who we want the pretty one in the relationship to be? That’s right: us. The problem with dating Brad Pitt or Robert Pattinson is that we’d always know that they’re prettier than we are. And that just doesn’t fly. Lastly, what happened to men looking like men? Sure, we don’t want you to look like one of the GEICO cavemen. But having a little chest hair, looking a little rugged… it’s very sexy indeed. So groom away, fellas. Just don’t turn into one of the Chippendales dancers.
Taking Forever in the Bathroom
The bathroom. For women, it’s a place where you get in, do what you need to do, and get out. For men, however, it’s apparently a magical wonderland filled with enjoyment. That’s sure is how it seems to us when we see you take an hour to get your business done in there.
In all seriousness, though, what is it about men and taking forever in the bathroom? Now that there are smart phones and tablets, the problem’s even worse. There are endless forms of bathroom entertainment nowadays for men to take advantage of, which means that men have an excuse to take even longer to spend an hour doing something that really should only take two minutes. And why is that? Sure, you can sit in there and play Angry Birds to your heart’s content. But couldn’t you just do that, I don’t know, on the couch or something? Why the bathroom? (It’s even more confusing because we know what it smells like in there after you’re done, so why hang out and soak up that stench?) There’s no reason to spend so long in the bathroom. Just get in there, do what you gotta do, and get out.
Turning into a Submissive Girly Man
Women, deep down, cannot stand the nice guy. You probably know this already. We don’t want you to be a total jerk, but a man that we can walk all over? We’re not interested. What women really want is the alpha male — not the arrogant, egotistical schmuck commonly mistaken for an alpha male, but a guy that’s strong, powerful, and a leader. He’ll defend his family, provide for them, and ultimately, he’s the one in charge.
Not an alpha male? Not so great. We just can’t respect a submissive guy as much. We also can’t respect a girly man, a guy who always wants to talk about feelings, who will paint our toes or go shopping with us. Sure, we might say we want that in a partner. But do we really? Nope. Those guys are just annoying. And being a submissive girly man is a perfect way to go straight to the friend zone. We want you to show emotion and affection, but don’t take it to girl levels. We still want you to be the man in the relationship, or we’d marry one of our girl friends. This isn’t because we consider ourselves the weaker sex, either. Strong women want a strong partner. A good relationship should have a little bit of a challenge in it, a little bit of adventure. We want you to be our match, our equal… heck, maybe even outdo us a little bit. At least then we can be proud to say, “Yeah, that’s MY man!” So don’t try to be the nice guy all the time, or morph into one of our girl friends because you think it would make us happy. Don’t be a doormat. Be a man!
Acting Like an Immature Man-Boy
Just because you’re a married adult and father doesn’t mean that all the fun has to get sucked out of life. We know this. But sometimes, it seems like it’s impossible for you to not act like an immature little kid. Playing video games for hours on end, not cleaning up your messes, any number of disgusting bodily functions: these things drive us up the wall. And why is it the gross stuff that men seem so entertained by? Farting seems to be a constant source of humor for men, and why? It’s disgusting. From cropdusting to dutch ovens, men seem to constantly come up with new ways to enjoy using their flatulence for entertainment.
And then there’s the video games. Sure, we like to relax and unwind with some dumb entertainment sometimes, too. But for hours and hours on end? Come on, guys. Or how about leaving your clothes, trash, and dirty dishes all over the house? Sure — you don’t mean to make giant messes. But somehow, it just inevitably happens. We know you’re capable of acting like a mature, intelligent, strong, romantic man. We wouldn’t be with you if you weren’t. But could you just keep your inner twelve year old to yourselves — or at least, among other men? We aren’t impressed that you took out ten gangstas on Saints Row or that you can burp the ABCs.
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