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The 5 Idiots You Wish You Could Get Out of Your Facebook Feed

You're not even a good Facebook friend!

John Hawkins


June 11, 2012 - 7:00 am

When you have more than 4,600 friends on Facebook, you’re guaranteed to have a few stinkers in the bunch. Sadly, like career criminals, the worst transgressors tend to repeat their crimes over and over again, which is why it’s a good idea to get them out of your feed. Are you one of these repeat offenders who’s annoying all of your soon-to-be-ex-Facebook friends so badly that they’re about to drop you like a Blockbuster customer who just discovered Redbox? Well, read on and let’s see!

1) Phony Picture Tag Guy

Do you know how annoying it is to have a picture of a shoe or the Constitution show up in your feed, tagged as a picture of you? The whole idea behind it is to force you to go look at the post and remove your name from the picture so that people aren’t forever more wondering why something so completely irrelevant shows up in your pictures. As an extra added bonus, every time one of the other people who was also tagged on the irrelevant picture says something like “What is this crap?” or “How rude!” you get alerted. Joy!

2) The Teaser

As a general rule, it’s probably not a good idea to share your innermost feelings with your Facebook friends. That’s because most of them tend to be random people that you friended because they didn’t look like psychos in their profile pics and they share your undying love for Justin Bieber. However, if you are going to go that way, don’t be a tease. Don’t give us, “I’m feeling SO sad today,” or “Wow, I’m glad that’s over!” What are we, cats and you’re twirling a toy with feathers on it over our heads? If you want to tell the whole world about your emotional state, at least give us some deets so we don’t have to ask and then come back two hours later to see if you’ve responded. Don’t be such a tease!

3) Mother Mary, Quite Contrary

 Nobody forces you to be Facebook friends with someone else. You can decline the invitation. If you find someone annoying, you can even change your mind and defriend him. Maybe you didn’t realize that he posts a status update every time he has a bowel movement or that he thinks the Jews are responsible for 9/11. Who could blame you for deciding that you’re just not compatible and going your own separate way?

Of course, there is another option you could pursue, which is to make an ass of yourself in his timeline. Here’s a thought: If you’re a liberal who feels the urge to murder kittens when someone says something nice about Sarah Palin or a conservative who thinks Obama is a mixture of Stalin and Darth Vader and you just can’t shut up about it, maybe you shouldn’t be friends with someone who vehemently disagrees with you. If you are going to be someone’s friend, then you should keep in mind that friends politely disagree. They don’t regularly insult each other, trash other people in the thread, and go off on angry rants. So, just remember what your mother said, “If you can’t say something nice, then shut your ignorant mouth, you loser! I can’t believe I ever had a horrible child like you! You’ll never be a success! Never!” Ok, maybe I’m just assuming that’s how the mothers of people like that talk, but you have to admit that it would explain a lot.

4) The Persistent Gamer

Like most people, I don’t have the slightest idea what Zynga Slingo is and I also don’t have a burning desire to play Farmville or Mafia Wars. If you do, that’s all well and good. Hope you have a great time slinging your Zynga and your Mafia pigs rub out the gangster chickens on the other side of a farm. The problem is that some of these people won’t take “no” for an answer. The same people send invites to play the same game five times a week. Add that to the other 10 people who play and occasionally ask and it’s easy for your notifications to fill up with calls to play games you haven’t played and never will play. Have your fun, but stop bugging people in the process!

5) Get Your Group On Guy

If I were going to join a group, it would certainly not be the “Boycott the Pig’s Lick BBQ for not serving free range hog group.” Apparently, this is a rather common sentiment; so Facebook, in its infinite wisdom, has gotten around it by simply allowing people to add you to groups without your permission. In other words, if you’re on Facebook, someone could be adding you to the “Al Gore is a sexy beast and I want to bear his love child group” as we speak. How could it be worse? Easy! People add you to the group and then set it up so that you’re alerted with an email every time someone writes something like, “If Al Gore and Global Warming had a love child, it would be named Hunka, Hunka Burning Gore” or “I’m a masseuse and once I showed up at a hotel room, saw Al Gore was my client, and ran for my life!” Polite people INVITE you to join their groups. Annoying people, who should be immediately unfollowed, create their group and add you to it. This isn’t rocket science. Hell, it’s not even Farmville. Don’t add people to groups without their permission!

John Hawkins is a professional writer who runs Right Wing News and Linkiest. He's also the co-owner of the The Looking Spoon. Additionally, he does weekly appearances on the #1 in its market Jaz McKay show, writes a weekly column for Townhall and PJ Media, does YouTube videos, and his work has also been published at the Washington Examiner, The Hill, and at Human Events. He's also the blogosphere's premier interviewer and has interviewed conservatives like Thomas Sowell, Mark Levin, Victor Davis Hanson, Mark Steyn, G. Gordon Liddy, Dick Morris, Karl Rove, Michael Steele, Milton Friedman, Jonah Goldberg, Jim DeMint, Walter Williams, Robert Novak, Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, & Michelle Malkin among others. Moreover, John Hawkins' work has been linked and discussed in numerous publications and on TV and radio shows including ABC News, BusinessWeek, C-Span, The Chicago Tribune, CNN, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Editor & Publisher, Fox News, Hannity and Colmes, The Laura Ingraham Show, Minneapolis Star Tribune, MSNBC, National Journal, National Post, Newsmax, Newsweek, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Rush Limbaugh Show, The Tammy Bruce Show, Time Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The Hugh Hewitt Show, The Washington Post, Salt Lake Tribune, Scarborough Country, U.S. News & World Report, and Human Events, where he had a weekly column. Right Wing News has been studied by college classes and even inspired an urban legend that was covered at Snopes. Last but not least, John Hawkins also founded and led the Rightroots group, a grassroots effort that collected almost $300,000 for Republican candidates in the last 3 months of the 2006 election cycle. In 2008, he consulted for Duncan Hunter's presidential campaign and was on the board of Slatecard, which raised more than $600,000 for Republican candidates in the 2008 election cycle. In 2011, he helped found Raising Red, although he left the organization the same year and went on to become one of the co-founders of Not Mitt
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