John Nampion Vs. Begunga Mike’s Dating Guide for Neanderthals
Most women aren’t very smart. In fact many of them aren’t fully formed human beings. They delude themselves into believing that they want this or that in a relationship, when in reality what they want — and need — is exactly the opposite. If I were you I would ignore their words and just lead them to whatever destination you have in mind. They will be grateful for the help — and will thank you every time.
- Begunga Mike.
***
Begunga Mike had been a little upset with me of late. He was almost becoming an ass about it. He didn’t like that I hadn’t stuck with his yoga directive, and he just couldn’t understand my illogical and piecemeal approach to dating. He had this plan for me, you see, and I wasn’t being cooperative.
He planted his sandaled feet on the edge of my desk. He had been growing his hair out a bit, and the newly developed, light-brown patch added to his slightly demented air — he looked like an Eastern bloc parachutist dropped into an enemy forest, or an escapee from one of Marshal Tito’s prisons.
Sometimes I wonder how you’ve made it so far, John. Like how did you even get this old without totally self-destructing? You remind me of a bowling ball shaped like an egg — somehow you make it down the alley, but it’s sheer torture watching you get there!
He shrieked with delight at his mighty wit and clapped his large hands together.
And the problem is, because you’re so wobbly, you can’t duplicate your results! You might get a strike every ten frames or so, but it’s nothing but pure luck! So you get the two- and three-pin knockdowns — and you tell yourself you’re happy with that — but we know that’s simply not the truth.
“I’m going to give you one last chance to be successful, John,” he told me, forming a steeple with his index fingers under his chin. “If you follow my instructions, and don’t question them, I will have you dating the right women in no time. And you will wonder why you ever settled for so many open frames.”
Putting on a front will exhaust you. Be yourself and settle for a seven. After all what are you, a five? ;^)
Lop off the over the top stuff and your buddy does have it nailed – you *do* want to be vague in your online profile. The most specific thing I said about myself in my profile was that my TV was measured in inches and my bookshelves measured in yards. Been married to my Beautiful Brazilian Bride now for 8 years and we are very happy.
Oh yeah, that’s another thing: eschew American Princesses.
Yes, Begunga Mike absolutely deserves the Worlds Biggest Raspberry Award. Don’t listen to him! His dating boasting is most likely just as fabricated as he is trying to have you do with your online dating. He is trying to teach you all he knows, which is a fabrication of the truth. Mr. Nampion, you are too smart to fall for his wildly dumb advice. Just be you, be real, and smile, you’ll have chicks in no time! However, I have to give Begunga Mike this one – he is right… dump the pictures of you and your kids with the ex-wife! Looking forward to the continuation of the Mis-Adventures and Mis-Directed Begunga Mike’s dating advice for you, Mr. Nampion.
Hey Johnny… Begunga’s got some great advice… take my advice, listen to him.
Begunga, start a dating service. Charge outrageous fees. Specialize with helping men, but branch out and help the ladies too. Now that I think about it, they probably need more help.
Gary Gets The Girls Evan
Really?! What girl in her right mind would ever take dating advice from such a Neanderthal, let alone pay money for such ridiculous direction!
Personally, I would prefer Nampion himself to give us his dating tips; that should be entertaining! I would also love to hear about Nampion’s dating successes and even those not so successful dating stories!
John…you KILL ME. This is so funny. Can’t wait for the next installment. If this column doesn’t get you a date, nothing will!
Wow John, this is great! I actually think I know Begunga, he sounds so familiar. As a matter of fact, he sold me on his charm, then convinced me into his bed. Trust me, he is NOT as good as you think, or as good as HE pretends. Just because you can get girls in bed does not mean you are set. I know he will probably read this and in his mind he is thinking… whatever Bit*h, I am the BEST! Trust me you dont want to take advice from a “wanna-be” player. He is setting you up for failure. Just be yourself and your sense of humor will win everytime. If she doesnt get you, then she is not worth having…..end of story.
Exactly!
A strange feeling is coming over me… I think maybe J. Becker made me sad… nope sorry just gas. Seriously, why must intimidated and inferior women always accuse men of being players when they simply couldn’t keep their interest?