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John Nampion Vs. Begunga Mike’s Dating Guide for Neanderthals

Although I was hesitant to follow Mike's advice, there was something about it that intrigued me...

by
John Nampion

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November 19, 2011 - 12:00 am
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Most women aren’t very smart. In fact many of them aren’t fully formed human beings. They delude themselves into believing that they want this or that in a relationship, when in reality what they want — and need — is exactly the opposite. If I were you I would ignore their words and just lead them to whatever destination you have in mind. They will be grateful for the help — and will thank you every time.

- Begunga Mike.

***

Begunga Mike had been a little upset with me of late. He was almost becoming an ass about it. He didn’t like that I hadn’t stuck with his yoga directive, and he just couldn’t understand my illogical and piecemeal approach to dating. He had this plan for me, you see, and I wasn’t being cooperative.

He planted his sandaled feet on the edge of my desk. He had been growing his hair out a bit, and the newly developed, light-brown patch added to his slightly demented air — he looked like an Eastern bloc parachutist dropped into an enemy forest, or an escapee from one of Marshal Tito’s prisons.

Sometimes I wonder how you’ve made it so far, John. Like how did you even get this old without totally self-destructing? You remind me of a bowling ball shaped like an egg — somehow you make it down the alley, but it’s sheer torture watching you get there!

He shrieked with delight at his mighty wit and clapped his large hands together.

And the problem is, because you’re so wobbly, you can’t duplicate your results! You might get a strike every ten frames or so, but it’s nothing but pure luck! So you get the two- and three-pin knockdowns — and you tell yourself you’re happy with that — but we know that’s simply not the truth.

“I’m going to give you one last chance to be successful, John,” he told me, forming a steeple with his index fingers under his chin. “If you follow my instructions, and don’t question them, I will have you dating the right women in no time. And you will wonder why you ever settled for so many open frames.”

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