It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn just how far you can make it up I-95 in a stolen police cruiser, far too much about a drug bust in The Villages, and how to make a fair trade in Missouri.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman accused of stealing BSO patrol vehicle, driving it 90 miles
It's been so long since anybody in Florida stole a police car; I was starting to wonder if they weren't doing it just to spite me. You know these stories are my favorites.
But bless her heart, Florida Woman stole a Broward County Sheriff's Department cruiser right from the BSO lot. She made it almost a hundred miles up to the Treasure Coast, hitting speeds of 100 mph, before St. Lucie deputies caught up with her.
This is what Broward County calls "Tuesday."
There was a helicopter, a K-9 unit, deputies from at least two departments, and for whatever reason, Florida Woman had put on a BSO ballistic vest.
According to the report, "It was not immediately clear how Florida Woman allegedly gained access to the vehicle or managed to steal it."
I believe that's code for "Officer Johnson left his key in the ignition again."
Exit quote: "Move and you are going to get dog bit."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stolen Police Car, Police Chase, Good Dog, Vehicular Madness, Super Speeder, Police Bodycam, Tactical Gear, The Inevitable Helicopter (Or Drone), Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and a demerit to BSO for not catching Florida Woman themselves. I mean, they lost a car and St. Lucie guys got the collar? (11)
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Big start.
I Dare Not Use the Only Headline I Could Think of for This One
Florida Woman transported to local hospital for extraction of meth from her vagina
Remember that girl in high school who was voted Most Likely to Get Arrested With Something Inappropriate in Her Vagina?
Me, either — but I did go to an all-boys school.
Anyway.
Police saw Florida Woman — "a known narcotic offender" — driving with a passenger without a seatbelt. If Florida Passenger wasn't already a known narcotic offender, his mugshot indicates it wasn't for lack of effort.
So of course she got pulled over, and "after a K-9 alerted to the odor of narcotics, law enforcement began searching the vehicle," turning up the usual assortment of goodies.
That's when things got weird:
After both suspects were arrested, Florida Woman indicated she had a bag of methamphetamine in her vagina. She was transported to the hospital by ambulance to have it removed. While en route, EMS personnel instructed her to remove the bag herself, the report said.
Florida Woman then ripped part of the bag open and wiped methamphetamine off of her and onto the floor of the ambulance, trying to destroy it. She grabbed a napkin, wiping the narcotic from her vagina and hiding the napkin.
In addition to all the regular charges, she also got hit with tampering with evidence. Among other things.
SCORE: The Villages, Good Dog, Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Should Have Taken the L, Getting Caught Stupidly, You Hid It WHERE?, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Criminal Mastermind. (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Let's Talk About the REAL '80s
The Second Charge Was the Coup de Grâce
🫢😱🤢 - is all we have to say about this. #PolkSheriff #MorningBriefing #GradyJudd pic.twitter.com/en01l7kt2s
— Polk County Sheriff 🚔 Grady Judd (@PolkCoSheriff) September 15, 2026
On weeks when there's a Sheriff Grady Judd video, I usually just let the good sheriff do his thing without any completely unnecessary commentary from me. Grady does this better than anybody.
But this week, allow me a few words before you press Play.
This is one of Sheriff Judd's longer clips, and when you get to the big reveal, you'll probably want to hit Stop, skip to the next item, and pretend like nothing happened.
But please continue all the way to the end, because Sheriff Judd has a double punchline that you can't miss.
Go on and press Play now.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Class Act, Domestic Bliss, Went Viral, Recidivism, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot (times two!), I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a Bonus Point to Judd for that epic conclusion. (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 31 FMF Points... ALREADY?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a shower with a Brillo pad and a gallon of battery acid.
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man accused of offering inmate $5K to kill neighbor after drone dispute
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man throws cash out window while leading Pearland police on chase
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you find yourself in Texas with all these ATM cards from people you don't even know but you do have all the PINs so you figure hey why not get a bunch of cash which is why you're at this ATM just putting in one card after another and withdrawing as much cash as it'll let you when for whatever reason somebody calls the cops on you but right around the time they get there you're already getting into your truck where your buddy is waiting for you to make a clean getaway but what you don't know is they've already got a drone following the truck and your buddy is all like "pull over I want out" so you do and the cops show up like from out of nowhere and arrest him so you put the pedal to the metal but the cops are right up on your tail which is when you get this great idea to start throwing cash out the window because then there's no evidence and maybe the cops will stop and pick up the money but nothing's working so you finally pull over and the cops collect the cash which it turns out is still pretty good evidence and maybe so is the dashcam video of al the money flying out of your car and then you're sitting in some jail in stupid Texas?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Police Chase, You Can Take the Man Out of Florida..., The Inevitable Helicopter (Or Drone), Vehicular Madness, Dashcam, Fleeing the Scene, Criminal Mastermind, Entrepreneurship, You Hid It WHERE? (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 40 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Dramatic video shows Florida police rescue woman trapped under SUV after scooter crash
The video is shaky, but the officers were as steady as the moment required.
None of the news outlets that wrote this one up did as thorough a job as CBS Miami did, particularly their interview with officer Chris Bess. It starts at about the 45-second mark.
Just watch.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Scooter/Golf Cart. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 46 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Sir, Monday Is Not 'Naked Shopping Day'
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 46 points for a WOW average of 9.2.
Meanwhile, in Missouri...
Missouri foster mom trades teen for monkey, gets probationhttps://t.co/Qs5Lj7aF00
— The Post Millennial (@TPostMillennial) September 7, 2026
As a dad, I mostly successfully guided one teenage boy into his early 20s, and am working hard on getting the 16-year-old boy there, too.
There are, however, days I'd gladly trade one or both for a monkey.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
