It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how not to get into the cocaine industry, what not to do with a vacuum cleaner, and too much about Louisiana's not-so-littlest mermaid.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man Charged With Trying to Sell Cocaine He Found at Sea
Ever read about those charter boat captains who find a few kilos of well-packaged cocaine at sea and think, "Well, looks like I've got a new gig," instead of maybe throwing one helluva party on their boat before the turn in the rest to police with a pinky swear that that's all there was?
No? Just Florida Man then.
I probably don't have to tell you it didn't end well:
Florida Man, 65, was arrested on Monday on charges of trafficking and selling lost-and-found cocaine. He was detained after the county sheriff's office - working with DEA and CBP - carried out a sting investigation to collect evidence. On Monday afternoon, sheriffs' deputies met him at a marina in Marathon, Florida, after a source made arrangements to buy a kilo from him for a below-market price of $10,000. He allegedly offered the buyer up to 100 pounds if they were interested, and instructed them to bring a cooler for discreet transport.
At least he was thorough.
Anyway, I'm thinking that a 65-year-old boat skipper probably doesn't know the guys you gotta know to magically turn into a drug dealer capable of moving that much cocaine without ending up in jail.
I bet he did throw that party, though.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Entrepreneurship, Drugs/Alcohol, Cruise Ship (charter boat, whatever), The Elderly, Criminal Mastermind, You Hid It WHERE? (6)
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Six, a respectable start.
Those Poor Deputies
Florida Man caught in ‘sexual performance’ with vacuum, deputies say
So this happened:
Deputies said they responded to Grassendale Street in Kissimmee’s Windsor Hills Resort on Jan. 22 after receiving reports of a man “exposing his sexual organs in front of a residence.”
“The victims that observed this behavior provided a statement and a cell phone recording of a male, partially clothed, in front of a residence, engaged in a sexual performance with a vacuum cleaner,” the release reads.
Stories like that usually end in an emergency room, and a knowing doctor not even bothering to argue about how something like that might have ended up there.
But not this time — not that we're done:
Apparently, a complaint had been reported just a day prior about a man who’d been walking in a shared hallway space while nude, investigators revealed. Video of the incident captured on a Ring camera was given to the responding deputy.
Nope, not out of the woods yet:
“The investigating deputy canvassed the area on Almaton Loop and spoke with other residents that provided statements of similar behavior by the suspect,” the release continues. “The incidents were reported to the HOA in December. Blink video was provided to the deputy of similar incidents of the suspect appearing partially clothed or nude within the hallway of the residence.”
Deputies arrested Florida Man without incident at his home on Tuesday, where the floors were remarkably clean.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Public Nudity, Crime Spree, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a rare Demerit to Click Orlando for failing to mention whether the vacuum consented. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: So How's That Russo-Ukraine Oil War Going?
Hot Wheels
Florida Man accused of driving with car on fire arrested on DUI charges
At what point, while driving drunk with his car on fire, did he think the police wouldn't notice?
Questions like that one are why I don't sleep well.
Anyway, Florida Man was driving drunk, his car started spewing smoke — so he stopped, which is a thing I think maybe most people do in that situation. But this is Florida Man, so of course, he got back in and took off when flames appeared, too.
That's when he stopped for real, and by the time police arrived, the fire department was already there, putting out the brushfire started by Florida Car.
Florida Man refused a breathalyzer, but apparently that didn't fool anybody.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Hold My Beer, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point for giving the FD guys a great story. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman gives birth to baby that isn’t hers, sues IVF clinic
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man arrested after allegedly ramming his truck into woman’s van during argument
You know what I hate?
You know when you get in an argument with this nice lady in her minivan at The Villages and even though you're being real polite about getting your point across she never does come to an agreement with you and that's when you decide to be a little more reasonable with your approach so to make your point in a way she might better understand you get in your truck and ram her minivan in the side with it real hard but near as you can tell she still doesn't fully understand which is when you back up and ram her again this time right in the headlights and shove her minivan almost right into this fence when in one last attempt to make your side of the debate more clear you back up and ram her real hard again when I guess she admitted she lost because instead of continuing our discussion she gets out and runs inside her neighbor's house and you're all like "I win!" but then for some reason later the police come and arrest you and that's why people can't just sit down and talk things out anymore.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Fleeing the Scene, The Villages, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Hold My Beer. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Cape Coral Fire Department honors man who saved 2-year-old from drowning
I don't remember this story coming across my radar when it happened, so here's the follow-up to an item I might or might not have covered.
I'm anything if un-thorough.
Here ya go:
Doug Brown said he remembers the day clearly. On Nov. 14, while making lunch at his home, Brown heard screaming coming from behind his house. He ran toward the sound and entered a nearby home, where he found a toddler who had fallen into a pool and was not breathing.
A 911 call from the scene captured the panic of the moment, as a caller told dispatchers the child had fallen into the pool and initially was not breathing.
Brown said the child’s mother was holding him when he arrived.
“I walked in, and she was holding her child, and I was like, ‘Let me have him,’” Brown said. “Then I just started basic lifesaving and getting the water out.”
Brown said the child began breathing again — a moment he described as a miracle.
A miracle named Doug Brown, Florida Man Extraordinaire.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Water Hazard, and another bonus point to Cape Coral FD for taking the time to give Doug the recognition he deserved. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Except for the Arrest, That Was a Great First Date
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for a nice, round average of six.
Meanwhile, in Louisiana...
Nude Louisiana Woman Attacked Cop Who Told Her to Leave a Private Pond: ‘Trying to be a Mermaid’
Before you go and do something silly like click on the link, let me assure you that if you were hoping for a mugshot indicating any kind of mermaid-worthiness, you'll be sorely disappointed.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Larry O'Connor at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking. Except maybe for Kruiser who's still on the wagon, but please don't lose faith in Larry and me.
