On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have a partly naked shoplifter, a half-naked shopper, and a mostly naked guy who drove his SUV around the elementary school running track.
Plus, a guy from Oklahoma who traveled much too far for a bad time in the backseat.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Nearly naked Florida man arrested after multiple hit-and-run crashes
You know how some guys go out for a joyride wearing only a pair of socks and a brightly colored scarf wrapped around their personal area kind of like a diaper?
No?
Well, that’s what Florida Man was doing in Flagler County on Wednesday. When I’m driving around wearing little more than a makeshift diaper*, I try to stick to the speed limit and stay in between the lines.
But not Florida Man, who caused several multiple hit-and-run crashes, drove away from police, did a few laps around the Old Kings Elementary School running track, then plowed through a local landfill, all before finally coming to stop in some woods near I-95. That’s where police — including a handy helicopter — set up a perimeter around Florida Man and his SUV, because Lord only knows what he was going to do next.
(I-95 has a lot more nearly naked drivers than most highways, according to reports.)
“Just when you think you’ve seen and heard everything – a naked driver causes multiple hit and run crashes, flees from law enforcement, resists arrest and then has to be dragged out naked from his car to be arrested,” Sheriff Rick Staly said in a press release.
Florida Man was found with drugs on him.
*I don’t actually do this and not even because of a court order.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Public Nudity, Police Chase, Resisting Arrest, Inevitable Police Helicopter (new!), Drugs/Alcohol.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
What a strong way to start the week.
I Should Hijack This Plane or Maybe That Tricycle
Florida woman allegedly steals Coast Guard tricycle, rides it onto taxiway of busy airport and tries to board plane to Argentina
Sorry for all the spoilers in the headline, but those thoughtless SOBs at the New York Post do that sometimes.
I kid, I kid.
Anyway, Florida Woman broke into a Coast Guard installation, where she stole one of their delivery tricycles. Then she rode it up the active taxiway of St. Pete-Clearwater International Airport.
If you thought that was as dumb a stunt as you were likely to read about this week, Florida Woman says, “Hold my stolen trike.”
She ditched the bike — this is all on surveillance video — and tried to board an Allegiant Airline flight to Argentina. Because airplanes totally take off on schedule after crazy people break into them right there on the tarmac.
According to another report, the so-called Florida Woman is actually from Argentina and so maybe she was trying to go home. Yes, I have priced airfares recently, but still, this was nuts.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, Tourist Who Just Can’t Handle It, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Now Swab the Deck, Me Matey
Florida Man plunders huge Captain Morgan statue from liquor store
If I were ever to embark on a life of crime, you’d better believe I’d steal one of those Captain Morgan statues — and I don’t even drink the stuff. But I want one!
True story.
One of my oldest and most prized possessions is one of those orange plastic lobsters you see decorating certain seafood restaurants. More than 30 years ago, in San Diego, a young man (not me) was dared by RJ, the man who would later become my best friend, to steal it from one of those restaurants. He somehow smuggled it out undetected. Soon after, RJ stole it from his friend before moving to Eureka, Calif. where I lived. We became best friends very quickly and, hearing the story of how RJ stole the stolen lobster, I determined to steal it from RJ. I’ve had Larry the Lobster in my quasi-legal possession since sometime in 1992.
If my sons don’t try to sneak Larry away once they’re old enough to move out on their own, I’ll be a little disappointed.
Florida Man — in a stupid crime that I simply must respect — tipped the Captain Morgan from Beach Discount Liquors in Englewood right into the bed of his pickup before speeding off with his booty.
Officially I’m against this, but unofficially: Bravo, sir.
P.S. If you ever read that my wife has filed for divorce, just assume that it’s due to a dispute over a giant Captain Morgan statue.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Awesome Stupid Crime, and a bonus point for Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Fly Your Freak Flag, You Crazy Gynosexual
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Inebriated Florida Man Arrested Drinking A Can Of Florida Man Beer.
There’s Lazy and Then There’s Florida Woman Lazy
She was at Dollar General in just a towel — and then it came off
If I’d known when I was 14 that this kind of thing happens at Dollar General, I’d never have shopped anywhere else.
Florida Woman went wandering around Monday night wearing nothing but a towel — something that is “normal to her,” according to the report — and carrying a can of Four Loko malt liquor. She made her way from the Circle K over to a parked car with a couple of teenagers in it, asking for a light.
One of the kids started recording all this on video because… duh.
According to the report, the kids asked why she was wearing only a towel and she said, “I was too lazy to put clothes on.”
Around that time the towel fell off, and the kids got quite a show.
Nice touch: Dollar General donated a shirt and a pair of shorts for her to wear to her booking at the local police station.
I can say with confidence that at least Florida Woman wasn’t shoplifting. I mean, where would she have hidden anything?
All right, get your mind out of the gutter.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Caught on Video, Drugs/Alcohol, Convenience Store
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Same Old Song and Pants
Florida Man’s awkward arrest takes unexpected turn
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m doing a little grocery shopping at Target and, while I’m there, maybe shoplift a few non-food items by shoving them into my pants, and just when I’m ready to drive away from the scene of my perfect crime, the police show up because apparently, the Target people spotted me on video and, sure enough, the police read the plates on my truck and there’s already a warrant out for my arrest and so when they make me step out of the truck, the weight of the stuff I shoplifted makes my pants fall down and one of the items falls right out and now there’s no way they’re going to believe I paid for that.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Recidivism, Public Nudity, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: You Can’t Pull Me Over, I’m a Police Officer
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
We’ve got five scored stories with a total of 20 points for a perfectly round average of 4 points per story.
And way more public nudity than usual. Maybe it’s the weather.
Meanwhile, in Wisconsin…
Oklahoma man shot in Milwaukee when make-out session turns into attempted armed robbery
1,000 miles, give or take, just to get shot in the hand while making out in the back of a car seems like an awfully long way to go.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
