On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the world’s worst burglar, the mystery of what someone does with a case of Michelob Ultra Pure Gold, Armor All, and some Sharpies, and what happens when Colorado Man finds himself naked in Iowa.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Bodycam shows on-duty Orlando officer drive off after deputy pulls him over
The first thing they teach recruits at police academies across the nation is that, as police, the law does not apply to them at all. Or maybe that’s just in Orlando.
A Seminole County sheriff’s deputy was having a pretty typical morning, I guess, catching a speeder doing 80 in a 45. Less typical was the part where the guy doing 85 was an Orlando cop who didn’t have his lights flashing or siren blaring. He seems to have been doing almost double the speed limit because he was late for work or something.
But that’s OK because, remember, the law does not apply to police.
The deputy’s morning got even stranger when the Orlando cop initially refused to pull over and, when he finally did, tried to play the victim card.
“What? I am going into work, my man. Why are you trying to pull me over as I’m going to work?”
“Because you’re going 80 in a 45.”
But because the law does not apply to police, the Orlando cop refused to show his license and then took off for the station. Presumably, it was there that our Orlando police officer — henceforth known as Florida Man — was put on suspension pending an investigation into him acting like an entitled dillhole.
He faces charges of reckless driving, fleeing and eluding law enforcement, and resisting without violence.
Huh. I guess the law does apply to police.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene, Resisting, Should Have Taken the L, Chutzpah.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Ocean’s 1
Florida Man caught drinking, dancing out of store after stealing watch
Florida Man is just ten henchmen shy of a great caper, although if I’m being totally honest about it, he’s also going to need a much more exciting target and maybe 30-40 additional IQ points and a modicum of self-control.
Anyway, he sauntered into a jewelry store, drinking a Smirnoff Ice Pink Lemonade — as all the highest-class con men do — asked to try on a Citizen watch, and then danced out wearing the watch.
From there, Florida Man made his way to Walmart where he allegedly stole a 12-pack of Michelob Ultra Pure Gold, Armor All, and Sharpie. I don’t know what they call it elsewhere, but in Port St. Lucie, when you get a free 12-pack of Michelob Ultra Pure Gold, Armor All, and Sharpie, they call it a party.
Police caught up with Florida Man in the Walmart parking lot, and he’s been charged with grand theft.
George Clooney is already in talks to play him in the movie adaptation.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Caught on Video, Walmart, Crime of the Century.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
I Don’t Stand a Ghost… Period
‘I’m a ghost.’ Florida homeowner gets some unexpected company at dinnertime
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m wandering around someone else’s neighborhood wearing nothing but my best red swim trunks when I decide to go into some stranger’s home because it’s getting close to dinnertime and I might be so drunk or stoned that I can’t remember if I’ve eaten or not and their place smells good but when I get in there the dad is all upset for some reason and puts himself between me and his stepdaughters so when I try to make him feel more comfortable by assuring him that I’m a ghost and he can’t see me he totally doesn’t believe me and since he’s probably going to call the police or something I wander back out to find some food or maybe lie down in a bush but at least the police never caught me even though they got me on one of those Ring cameras.
Don’t you hate that, too?
Best part? The homeowner told NBC-2, “He was shocked that I could see him. He thought he was walking around and that nobody could see him.”
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (c’mon, we don’t need to see a blood test), Likely Story, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: 10-Foot Crocodile Caught Swimming In A Florida Pool, Trappers Have A Time Getting It Out.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: I’ll Have a Half-Double Decaffeinated Half-Caff With a Twist of Racism
You’ll Never Barely Take Me Alive, Coppers!
Florida Man cuts off ankle monitor, dives out of apartment building window during SWAT situation
Very quickly, here’s the situation in handy bullet-point format.
Florida Man:
- Crashed his car into an apartment building in the middle of the afternoon.
- Then he tried robbing the place but it’s unclear if the car crash was part of the plan, or whether the robbery was a crime of opportunity after an accidental crash.
- During the robbery, he cut off the ankle bracelet he was required to wear for a criminal history that “includes a total of 139 prior felony charges with 30 total felony convictions.”
- After an hours-long standoff with a SWAT team, Florida Man jumped out a second-story window, nearly died, and now faces a host of charges.
Dear Florida Man,
We have to talk.
Not everyone is cut out to be a burglar. It isn’t just you, either. There was that guy who got arrested after lifting a case of Michelob, some All, and some Sharpies from a Walmart. What was that doofus thinking, right? Then there was that other guy just breaking into houses wearing a swimsuit, so stoned out of his mind that he didn’t even take anything.
But you know what? Neither one of those guys nearly died doing their stupid stuff. So maybe you need to find a new, less dangerous pursuit like playing Real-Life Frogger™ on I-95 or dousing yourself with gasoline at a cigar bar.
With tough love,
—Your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit
SCORE: So Much Recidivism, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene (head first!), Stupid Crime.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Is That a Cardboard Box on Your Head or Are You Just Happy to Rob Me?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 18 points for a respectable 4.5 average.
Meanwhile, in Iowa…
Naked Coloradan assaults paramedics in West Des Moines motel
You know how sometimes you find yourself naked in an Iowa motel room with foot pain and when the paramedics show up, you attack them for asking you to put clothes on?
No? Well, Colorado Man knows. Hopefully, he’ll keep the rest of the story to himself.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
