What do you do after causing a scene at Taco Bell because the soda machine wasn’t working, and the workers offered you a free burrito to make it up to you?
If you’re Colorado Man, you take your free food home, eat some rat poison along with it, then become so “violently ill” that police investigate the Taco Bell workers for possible “criminal attempt homicide.”
“What,” you might ask, “was Jussie Smollett doing at a Taco Bell in Aurora, Colorado?”
Police have yet to reveal the soda jerk’s name, but they have released plenty of other details about this bizarre incident.
A week ago Sunday, our Taco Bell-loving fiend was visiting an Aurora, Colo. — not so affectionately referred to by locals as “Saudi Aurora” because there’s so little to do there — location to grab some takeout.
Lary Swift, who manages that location, told CBS News Colorado that the Jussie Smollett wanna-be argued with workers over his order and was “upset” that the restaurant’s drink station wasn’t working.
One of the employees said that the man is a regular who has caused problems before.
During a previous incident, he apparently threw a taco at one of the workers. For some reason, I imagine some unlucky patron trying to enjoy his lunch when Colorado Man nabs one of their tacos and hurls it in a fit of rage.
On this particular Sunday, the man demanded something “free” to make up for the broken soda machine, and the staff complied, adding a fourth burrito, gratis, to his three-burrito order.
This is where the story should end, with a dissatisfied customer made happy again, but no.
Colorado Man exited the drive-thru, went home, and at about 7 p.m. bit into a taco and “immediately felt a burning in his mouth and began to vomit,” according to the sheriff’s department.
Please, no jokes about how it’s impossible to tell the difference between a Taco Bell bean burrito and actual rat poison. Also, I’m so sorry I didn’t find this story in time for the “Meanwhile, in [Some Other State]…” finish to last week’s Florida Man Friday.
At the E/R, investigators found a “greenish-gray substance” inside the food that was later confirmed to be rat poison.
Taco Bell Does Not Serve Rat Poison
Taco Bell corporate said, “The franchisee who owns and operates this location has informed us that they are working with local authorities in their investigation.”
Indeed, the Aurora franchise complied completely with the resulting police investigation, turning over all their security camera footage. Police found no evidence of any tampering with Colorado Man’s food.
If at this point you’re wondering if the authorities got back in touch with Colorado Man, they have not. Investigators have tried to reach him both on the phone and at his home, leaving messages for him to get back to them with any additional information.
Colorado Man remains mute on the rat poison situation and the investigation remains “open and active.”
I have two guesses as to what happened, but please keep in mind that these are only guesses.
The first is that Colorado Man truly did try to go Full Jussie Smollett. He put rat poison in his own food, tasted just enough of it to injure himself without really risking his own death, and then tried to pin the blame on the fast food workers he thought had dissed him.
I’m a little more intrigued by the second possibility.
Based on what little we know of Colorado Man and his antics at just this one fast-food joint, the guy has a temper and a lack of self-control. So if there is a Mrs. Colorado Man at home, I do have to wonder if she might finally have had enough of his B.S. and taken matters into her own hands.
But judging by Colorado Man’s seeming refusal to get back in touch with the police, it seems more likely that we have our very own Mile High Jussie.