Florida Man Friday: Smokey and the Lawnmower Bandit

(Courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Man Friday is too big this week for a fancy intro so let us begin right away as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man arrested after trying to flee deputies on riding lawn mower

It started innocently enough earlier this year, with Florida Man diving into a swamp to escape police who wanted to question him about a stolen $40,000 boat.

This time, the police got their man:

Florida Man kicked a John Deere riding lawn mower into “high gear” while he attempted to lose pursuing deputies with the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office, according to a department statement on its Facebook page.The chase ended when deputies shot Mobley with stun guns, the sheriff’s office said.

“When taken into custody Mobley had a revolver and a handcuff key in his possession, along with a pipe with methamphetamine residue,” according to the sheriff’s office.

#ProTip: High gear on a lawn tractor is still slower than running.


County jail records for Mobley on Monday showed he faces more than a dozen potential charges, including resisting an officer, obstructing police, possession of a weapon or ammo by a convicted felon, drug equipment possession, and grand theft of a motor vehicle.

Felons are automatically crowned King of the Prison Yard once it becomes known that they stole a lawnmower, so Florida Man has that going for him.

SCORE: Stupid crime, resisting arrest, police chase, vehicular madness, drugs/alcohol, recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?.
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points — and I do believe that’s a record high.

If you’re new here, or had missed previous editions of FMF because it was behind the paywall, here’s how Florida Man can score points:

  • A police chase
  • Drugs/alcohol
  • Vehicular madness
  • A water hazard of some kind
  • Wild animals
  • Caught on video
  • Corrupt officials
  • Public nudity
  • Resisting arrest/fleeing police
  • Golf
  • Weapon, preferably unusual
  • Stupid crime
  • Getting caught stupidly
  • Recidivism
  • Theme park
  • Face/neck tattoos
  • WTF Were You Even THINKING?

Plus, possible bonus points for chutzpah or sheer awesomeness.

He Didn’t Start the Fire

Florida Man sets fire to police station, cruiser

Well, ackshully, it looks like he did: “Florida Man Demon Blackmon was captured on security video pouring a liquid, believed to be gasoline, on two different vehicles in an unsuccessful attempt to light them on fire.”

I’m not sure how you pour gasoline on something and then fail to set it on fire. Maybe it’s the humidity?

Give Florida Man credit for not giving up. Police say he “then left the police station and returned with a different bottle before he lit the side of the building and a patrol car on fire.”

You might not be surprised to learn that police couldn’t help but notice their stuff was getting set on fire, and then arrested Florida Man — and he resisted.

Florida Man would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for that darned coming back to do it a second time right away.

SCORE: Stupid crime, getting caught stupidly, resisting arrest, caught on video.
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.

P.S. Sorry about the earworm.

P.P.S. Florida Man Friday usually resides behind the VIP paywall, but it had been so long since Florida Man had gotten a wider audience that I just couldn’t help but give him some extra breathing room this week.


It is a one-time thing, sad to say.

So if you’d like to see more Florida Man next week, plus all of our other VIP content — including exclusive videos and podcasts — just click here and use my INSANITYWRAP promo code for a lovely 25% discount.

Run Away! Run Away!

Wild video shows Florida home invaders running for their lives after resident opens fire

Just watch the video — bravo, Florida Homeowner!

SCORE: Caught on video, weapons, chutzpah (on the part of Florida Homeowner).
TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.

The Return of Florida Iguana Madness

A quick roundup of this week’s iguana-related news:

Caution: This Story Contains Internet-Transmissible Onion Fumes

Florida family begins fundraiser to send ashes of space-loving 11-year-old son to moon

To the Moon, Florida Kid:

Cori and Scott Gallagher are raising money to send the ashes of their 11-year-old son, Matthew Gallagher, who died unexpectedly in May, to be buried on the lunar surface.

The heartbroken parents said that from just 5 years old, Matthew knew he wanted to be an astronaut when he grew up.

Tragically, the youngster lost the chance to pursue the goal when he died on May 18. His mother found him unresponsive in the middle of the night.


I’m not crying; you’re crying.

Here’s the family’s GoFundMe page if you’re interested in helping.

SCORE: 5 bonus awesome points for Matthew and his family.
TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Worst. Insurrection. Ever.

Crime in the Age of COVID

APTOPIX Virus Outbreak Biden
AP Photo/Evan Vucci
Florida Woman reportedly sold fake COVID-19 test results to travelers

So long as countries continue to [checks notes] basically criminalize the flu, there will be a market for this:

Florida Woman was arrested after she reportedly sold fake negative COVID-19 test results to travelers who needed them to go aboard.

The fake results were reportedly used by travelers going to other countries, so they wouldn’t have to take real tests.

The news outlet reported a warrant was issued for Florida Woman’s arrest after she sold some test results to two FBI employees for $30 and $40 each.

A mere $30 for a Get Home Free card? A steal at twice the price.

P.S. I have never had COVID and seem to be COVID-proof, judging by how careless I’ve been in the nearly two years since it became clear the bug wasn’t going to kill me.

Send a swab my way, along with $50 in cash and a self-addressed stamped envelope.

(Dear FBI: I’m kidding.)

SCORE: Stupid crime, getting caught stupidly,
TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.

If that sounds like kind of a lame way to end this week’s edition, wait until you get to the bonus story at the end.

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?


Five scored stories with a total of 21 points for a record-breaking average of 4.2 points per story.

Way to go, Florida Man!

Meanwhile, in the United Kingdom…

Florida Man Friday Goes to Frogtown

Experts Alarmed by Teen Breeding Millions of Frogs for Frog Army

Nobody better mess with UK Man:

A UK-based TikTok teen claims to have collected more than 1.4 million frog eggs, which have since hatched inside their backyard pool — and conservation biologists are horrified by the potential consequences of the trend going viral, The Guardian reports.

“I wanted to create the largest frog army in history,” the user, who goes by the username thinfrog, said in a recent video. “Next year I will create a giant pond for ten million frogs.”

This arms race can end in only one way: Florida Man and his army of flamethrower-carrying iguanas.

To find out what really happens next, come back next week for another exciting…

Florida Man Friday!


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