Has another week of heavy news and vitriolic politics left you exhausted? Then here comes Florida Man to the rescue, with his inexhaustible energy for low-rent hijinks.
So ignore that Facebook newsfeed, close those Drudge and HuffPo browser tabs, mix yourself a margarita, and join me — won’t you — on another thrilling…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin, as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
He tried on baby clothes, masturbated, then stole stuff in a bra and panties, cops say https://t.co/RGAVi4IBnS
— Miami Herald (@MiamiHerald) October 10, 2019
I try not to get too judgey on Florida Man Friday, but seriously, who does that?
Oh, right — Florida Man does that.
And Florida Woman Does THIS
Fake ceiling, real desperation.
I Honestly Don’t Understand How Anything He Did Was Wrong
He was off duty, and clearly not… what was I saying?
He Robs Mailboxes Because That’s Where the Money Is
Florida Man steals $170,000 in checks from ONE MAILBOX….then goes back to jail. – Sean Roberts https://t.co/LxIRvjLvtm
— 98.7 The Shark (@987theshark) October 11, 2019
If you’re anything like me, you’re eagerly awaiting the day that Florida Man discovers bitcoin, and then somehow ends up buying Venezuela in a digital meth deal gone wrong.
Meth: Not Even Once
— Brad B. (@SteelerBrad2019) October 11, 2019
And I think we’ve seen enough of that, so moving right along…
The Biking Dead
Don’t be surprised if you’re visiting Key West later this month and you stumble upon thousands of zombies roaming the island’s historic streets like a tropical scene straight out of AMC’s “The Walking Dead” series.
They’ll be in town Oct. 20 for the city’s annual quirky “Zombie Bike Ride,’’ which draws more than 6,000 visitors dressed as the living dead.
Men, women and children (and probably some pets) don scary white paint and zombie wear as they pedal around the island city in this pre-Halloween event. Expect zombie clowns, brides and skeletal-looking minions scaring folks along a 4-mile route.
If you’ve ever spent any time in Key West, this is pretty much the least-weird thing you’ll ever see there.
(Yes, I’ve used this punchline before about Key West, and I’ll probably use it as the punchline for every Key West story. Because I know — and love — Key West.)
Florida Man — Woman? — Crime Spree
I bet before this time next year, I could do a Best of Florida Man column consisting of nothing but stories where Florida Man or Woman ends up stealing a cop car.
Wherever You Are, It’s About to Get Very Dusty There
Thanks to @BakenBabes in #Tampa #Milkshakes are changing a Florida woman’s fight against breast cancer after a bakery owner surprised her with a fundraiser. Thanks @lizzo for visiting the shop. @GMA https://t.co/tPETMdCmga
— Kamara Daughtry (@Kae_Success) October 10, 2019
Click on over for the story, and if you need to you can tell everybody that some stupid blogger figured out how to transmit onion fumes through the internet tubes.
I’ll Give You Two Guesses, But You’ll Only Need One
Because of course it was a crack pipe.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Palm City man accused of enticing alligator to bite him, pouring beer in its mouth. (Wait, is that wrong?)
You Can’t Touch This
Florida Woman leaves the scene of a hit & run accident to get a massage https://t.co/hmj9N3pLtA
— Scott Williams (@jswilliams1962) October 11, 2019
Once again, we’re just going to move right along…
…And We Moved Right Along into THIS?
Best part? He’s a middle-school science teacher.
By “best” I mean “worst.” Because Florida, man.
She Was Just Holding Them for a Friend
— Dwight Brown (@DwightB16265749) October 11, 2019
If you think that’s scary, wait until you see what I have for you next.
Can You Hear Me Now?
Distinctive, yeah, that’s a word.
Meanwhile, in New Jersey…
Florida Man, you’ve got one week to knock New Jersey Man off your throne of shame. And I’m sure you will, in plenty of time for the next…