Friday is the day we set aside politics, the cancel culture, and the endless division causing so much strife across the country. Today we join together for the one thing all Americans — rich, poor, black, white, brown, Christian, Jew, atheist, Muslim, conservative, liberal, progressive, libertarian, tall, short, skinny, wide, hirsute ,or follicly challenged — can agree upon: Florida Man is the best thing to happen to news since the invention of movable type.
So without further delay, put on your favorite flip-flips, pour yourself a touristy piña colada, and join me on another thrilling…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities and WFLA.)
Pasco man breaks into car, gets naked, puts on children’s shorts found inside.
Now I had thought that the weirdest detail in this story was the dog that didn’t bark: There was no mention of alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription medications, or the like. But then I got to this part:
The sheriff’s office said Surnicki could not explain why his shorts and underwear were located on the ground near the back of the car. He denied having the children’s shorts on.
I wonder how that conversation went. Something like this, I imagine:
Arresting Officer: Sir, are those your Batman Underoos you’re wearing?
Florida Man: Um… yes?
This is what the local sheriff’s office refers to as “Sunday.”
The Most Florida Woman Story Ever (This Week)
https://twitter.com/Breaking911/status/1179811732086296578
I had to go to YouTube to look for a “Drop It Like It’s Hot” lesson, because I had no idea what that is, and I won’t be sharing the results with you.
But it gets better. The suspect, Jesusadelaida “Jesse” Lopez, was caught after trying to hire the hit out to an undercover police officer.
Her husband really dodged a bullet, and in this case it definitely isn’t cheaper to keep her.
What Do You Mean I’m Not Wanted?
Man drank 7 beers before turning himself in, but there was no warrant for his arrest https://t.co/LK4cSH9Y1I pic.twitter.com/HPhfIvFlPZ
— WESH 2 News (@WESH) September 27, 2019
You’re probably thinking, “Man, he never should have had that seventh beer.” But it’s always been my policy to blame the second-to-last drink, because the second-to-last drink is the one that made the last drink seem like a good idea. The problem of course is that you never know which drink is the second-to-last until it’s too late.
Unless of course you’ve taken the VodkaPundit Advanced Studies in Responsibly Irresponsible Consumption.
Florida Man could learn a thing or three from Colorado Man.
Time to Examine Those Life Choices
(Mugshot courtesy of Clay Sheriff’s Department)
Florida Woman Stripper Tries To Murder A Woman At Jacksonville Strip Club.
The strip club — and I swear I’m not making this up — is named Wacko’s. Probably because Jacksonville is the most Florida part of Florida.
I Don’t Like Those Scooters, Either, But Really…
This Florida man was caught on video cutting the brakes on these shared electronic scooters and is accused of vandalizing more than 140 of them pic.twitter.com/oPrZZmJ4yZ
— NowThis (@nowthisnews) October 3, 2019
Not Without My Puppy!
Florida woman isn’t letting anything attack her puppy. pic.twitter.com/aDUcWYZzqJ
— Only in Florida (@FloridaCrazyy) October 3, 2019
This might be my favorite Florida video of all time, as Florida Woman makes it known that no alligator is going to mess with her dog. Watch how she stands her ground.
Swiss Man Tries to Outdo Florida Man, Hilarity Ensues
Image by Momentmal from Pixabay
Disneyland Guest Tripping on Acid Falls Into a Lake, Ends up Naked Outside of the Park.
Still better than sitting all the way through It’s A Small World.
So Much Wrong Here
A Florida woman is accused of paying a 15-year-old boy hundreds of dollars for sex, police say https://t.co/xmO3DNSCte pic.twitter.com/cYiz88JR1Z
— KATV News (@KATVNews) September 28, 2019
Two things.
First, grownups aren’t supposed to be having sex with teens, so cut that out. Secondly, paying a teenage boy for sex is like paying certain 50-year-old bloggers to drink martinis.
UPDATE TO LAST WEEK’S BIG STORY: Florida woman who bit camel’s testicles denies throwing treats.
Good to know, ma’am.
Florida Heroes
Because Florida Man isn’t all criminals hijinks, you know.
• Dog Rescues Florida Woman After Her iPad Catches Fire.
• Florida deputy pulls over speeding car, ends up delivering baby girl.
• South Florida teen dies after saving mother and son from drowning in ocean.
That last one broke my heart so much that I just had to share it.
I’ll Never Understand the Fashion World
Florida Man shows up in #Blackface at an African-Safari Themed Senior Fashion show hosted by Police. (Actually- he showed up dressed like the Virginia Governor or Justin Trudeau! 😁)@MarkDice @allidoisowen @KaitMarieox @PrisonPlanet @rexjonesnewshttps://t.co/EuGzQaDQ5n
— Steve (@SteveOStereo) September 27, 2019
There Is Not Enough Money in the World
Scrub-a-Dub-Dub. 🛁Gabby Nikolle giving her best buddy Seven a good cleaning.
🎥@gabby_nikolle {IG} pic.twitter.com/jT38JSwgdD
— Everglades (@everglades) September 28, 2019
Gators gotta get groomed, too, I guess.
Florida Drips with Humidity and Irony
(Photo of Ramon Christopher Blanchet courtesy of Ramon Christopher Blanchet.)
Tampa man bought a Lexus with his ill-gotten $980,000 tax refund. He took a bus to court.
Blanchett was charged with theft of government funds, but how is it theft when they GIVE YOU THE MONEY???
Inquiring minds want to know.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Mop-wearing Florida man looking for eggs ‘terrified entire family.’
• Florida woman accused of stealing from Walmart, pepper spraying employees before escaping.
• Vendor arrested after charging fan $724 for 2 beers during Dolphins game.
• Florida woman named Crystal arrested on meth charge; sister Ruby arrested on same day.
I had to find that last story from two different sources before I could believe it was real.
Caveat Emptor, Florida-Style
Florida man is trying to sell “slightly used olive oil” on Facebook Marketplace… pic.twitter.com/gQWOmGsOdU
— Chrissy (@fissy09) September 28, 2019
Have you tried the Kirkland brand extra virgin olive oil? It’s quite good, and it’s affordable. There’s really no need to buy used… food. Not even if it’s only slightly used.
I Guess That Makes It All Right?
Florida man deputy placed on leave after woman says she gave him oral sex at a homeless camp. He says he only watched her masturbate in a tent. https://t.co/MB16uzZieL pic.twitter.com/pQoMXHllqt
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) September 28, 2019
Moving right along…
I Hesitated Before Sharing This One With You
“So, how did you get arrested?”
Me: I eat ass pic.twitter.com/YOTFCrIwTg
— DogBird (@ReinBourne) September 26, 2019
So. Florida Man has actually raised an important First Amendment issue here.
Which side are you on? Should Florida Man be free to announce his peccadilloes on the back of the truck, or was the cop in the right here?
Discuss.
But keep it clean!
Meanwhile, in Michigan…
2 suspects scaled 6-foot fence to put porn on Michigan freeway billboard https://t.co/dSuDzdzaBJ
— The Ann Arbor News (@annarbornews) September 30, 2019
We can only hope that right now, somewhere in Jacksonville, an underemployed disc jockey is renting enough laser lights and sound equipment to paint the overcast skies with nothing but dirty movies, just in time for the next…
Join the conversation as a VIP Member