Proof the Peter Principle Was Optimistic

Homeland Security Big Cheese Tom Ridge has finally unveiled the nation’s new — and very pretty — threat alert system.

Instead of the old system, which used vague warnings such as “PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!!!” and “MOMMY!!!” the new system uses a five-tier color grade for different threat conditions. It works as follows:

Green: Nothing currently blowing up.
Blue: We’re pretty sure there are shifty people somewhere.
Mauve: Increased risk; might have something to do with Bea Arthur.
Glen Plaid: Risky, yet tasteful.
Bright Screaming Fuchsia: Imminent danger of a Rip Taylor show in your city.

With the new system in place, Ridge now promises to go back to being useless and invisible.