When Joe Biden first moved into the Oval Office, the ambling, rambling, septuagenarian needed something to spice up his grandpa-in-the-basement, “Where’s the clicker, Jill?” and 12! 12! 12! flashing VCR, image.
Joe’s image-makers — probably the same folks who built his Potemkin Oval Office Hollywood set — sallied forth to find him something that screamed phallus without having to say it out loud lest those middle American suburban housewives who delivered him into office be offended.
Joe’s manhood was clearly in need of burnishing. Hair sniffing the pre-pubescent daughters of Senators was backfiring. Skinny dipping in front of the gals on the Secret Service detail wouldn’t cut it in a post-#metoo world anymore. Hunter’s laptop pictures with naked hookers were kept on the QT. And nobody was buying the Corn Pop and his group of buh, buh, buh bad boys story anymore.
Where to find testosterone?
Easy. Joe needed a dog. A statement dog. A badass statement dog with an authoritative name. Something strong, Commander-in-Chief-like.
So “rescue dog” Major, a lovely but high-test German Shepherd came on the scene. Major symbolized the police and military without actually having to say it out loud, either, lest he upset his Leftist anti-police base.
It was clear early on that Joe couldn’t handle him. Look at the photo above.
The orgasmic media oohs and ahhs predictably commenced. Many column inches and valuable air time were handed over to tell the important story about Joe’s new manly police and military-like dog, Major.
But the stories soon began leaking that Major was more Cujo than cuddly. And then, just like the Hunter Biden laptop story, Major disappeared.
Word comes now that First Dog Major had major issues with the Secret Service, members of whom he kept biting. Indeed, according to Judicial Watch, which sued for the documents, Major didn’t just bite one agent — the official White House story — he bit agents eight days in a row. But that’s not the worst of it. The worst part is that the White House forced the people on Joe’s Secret Service detail to keep it quiet, which meant lying on official incident reports.
BREAKING: Judicial Watch obtained 400 pages of new records including incident reports detailing multiple attacks and damages caused to Secret Service members by President Biden’s dog Major at both the WH and Biden’s lake home in Wilmington, DE (1/3). https://t.co/fjmGratJS7 pic.twitter.com/q0G6YBrnv3
— Judicial Watch ⚖️ (@JudicialWatch) April 13, 2022
The New York Post reported that — surprise, surprise — White House spox Jen Psaki, ahem, embroidered the truth when she ascribed only one biting incident to Major and that it was caused “by an unfamiliar person and reacted in a way that resulted in a minor injury to the individual.” It didn’t go over well with the “individual” who fumed, “NO I didn’t surprise the dog doing my job by being at [redacted] as the press secretary just said! Now I’m pissed.”
Another report Judicial Watch acquired said of a Feb. 28, 2021 incident at the Biden’s Wilmington, Del., lake home notes: “SA [Special Agent] [redacted] observed Major running at [redacted] full stride from the main driveway. SA [redacted] quickly made an effort to seek shelter inside [redacted]. Despite the attempt, Major intercepted SA [redacted] and bit down on [redacted] left forearm. SA [redacted] quickly shook Major off of [redacted] arm and once more attempted to [redacted] to avoid further attack. In so doing, SA [redacted] briefly turned [redacted] back on Major, and the dog bit [redacted] a second time on the right buttock. ”
A report from March 6, 2021, came from another Secret Service agent who knew Major was coming for him. The biting incident happened in front of the President and Jill Biden. “The dog then attempted to bite SA [redacted] left arm but was only able to lock teeth on his overcoat as he stepped aside from the attack,” the report reads. “The First Lady [redacted]; however the coat was torn during the altercation. The President witnessed the First Lady [redacted] and [redacted] before moving the entire party onto the residence elevator.”
The agent asked for reimbursement for the ruined coat but was told to redact the request. Documents show the agent was eventually reimbursed by taxpayers.
There are many more stories like these in the documents uncovered by Judicial Watch, but you get the picture.
The president wanted a symbol of masculinity and approachability when he got Major to buddy up with his other old dog, Champ.
He got neither.
Major was too much testosterone for old Joe.
Time to pivot.
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