Loving the Financial Crisis

We are all suffering? Who are we kidding? Lots of us love the financial crisis. Here’s a roundup:

The left loves the financial crisis because it supports their view that the free market doesn’t work and justifies their anger at capitalism. In their mind, this is exactly what happens when you follow a policy of deregulation and tax “giveaways” to the rich. Their only fix is to get rid of the corporations, the executives, the investors, free trade, property rights, and everything else that has given us the highest per-capita GDP in the world (of any large country) and replace it all with central committees straight out of the Cuban Revolution. The patient has the flu and their cure is the guillotine.

The mainstream media love the financial crisis for the same reason that they love any disaster. Will you and your children be forced to live in a tent city surrounded by trash with no running water or bathrooms? We’ll tell you just how bad it is going to get and what you can do right after this commercial break.

CNBC loves the financial crisis. Their ratings are up 30%, and that’s before the Santelli tea party.

Fox News loves the crisis because it belongs to Barack now.

My friend from high school loves the financial crisis and hopes it gets 100% worse. “I’ve been poor all my life,” he says. “Everyone should know how it feels.”

Senator John McCain loves the financial crisis because he can talk about how wasteful earmarks are and make fun of the worst, like the pig odor study. Senator, you’re a genuine war hero who brought tears to my eyes when you asked me to stand up for America. Is that really your best issue?

The Democrats love the financial crisis because they can push their agenda through Congress by playing Good Samaritan — i.e., we’ve got to help all of those hardworking folks on Main Street. In their version of the parable, the Samaritan helped his fellow traveler on the side of the road by raising the minimum wage, forcing him to join a union, taxing carbon dioxide, and telling him to learn Spanish.

Iran, Venezuela, al-Qaeda, and the rest of America’s enemies love the financial crisis because not only have we lost our credibility, but foreign policy issues have completely fallen off the agenda. Even British Prime Minister Gordon Brown can’t get an hour with Obama, although he can rest a little easier knowing we’re not wasting our money on expensive gifts.

Senator Ron Paul, Glenn Beck, and the “hard money” guys love the crisis because they have been predicting that our free spending ways would eventually collapse the financial system. While you are all absolutely right that the first thing the U.S. needs to do is to put the shovel down and stop digging, this is just the warm-up. The real crash won’t hit until all of the boomers have retired and start cashing their Social Security and Medicare IOUs.

Michael Moore loves the financial crisis. His next film is all about how Americans are getting screwed by the financial industry. If you’re one of those poor unfortunates who got a home loan despite having no job, income, or assets, please send your tale of woe to [email protected].

Paul Krugman of the New York Times loves the financial crisis. He gets to write daily op-eds about how the Obama administration should spend even more money. Publicly disagree with him, and he gets to write another op-ed in which he calls you a bonehead. This bonehead — I mean, Nobel Prize-winning economist — has calculated that for every $1 the government spends, $1.50 in new GDP is created. By that logic, the government should spend all of its money to buy paper, ink, and printing presses and then just as the kids say, make it rain up in here.

Comedians love the financial crisis because it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Have you heard about Ford’s new car? It’s a hybrid that runs on a combination of gas and bailout money (David Letterman). And you know Guantanamo Bay’s going to be closed. Yes, the economy’s so bad that even the terrorists are losing their homes (Jay Leno).

Rush Limbaugh loves the financial crisis. Rush has been on top of his game ever since the Democratic primaries, and now that the party is in control and recycling its failed “War on Poverty” policies and breaking its centrist campaign promises, there has never been a better time for him to ask America if this is what they voted for, and articulate alternatives. We can only hope that the White House attacks that have very likely doubled his audience in just the past few weeks help to create a grassroots conservative monster.

Hamas also loves the crisis. In October, Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh said that the U.S. financial collapse was a punishment from Allah because we supported the Gaza siege. Now that we’re paying $900 million to rebuild Gaza and giving scholarships to Palestinian students, I assume that Allah will spare us.

Rahm Emmanuel and Hillary Clinton love not just the financial crisis, but any crisis. And why shouldn’t they? They’re not the ones who get stuck with the check when the government screws up.

Those infamous “community organizers” love the crisis. Perhaps you were wondering what ever happened to those rock throwing delinquents that have followed the World Trade Organization, the World Bank, and the G8 everywhere they’ve gone since 1999. (Except to Singapore. Nobody messes with Singapore.) Now they’re shutting down Greece, ousting prime ministers in Iceland, rioting in Eastern Europe, torching BMWs in Germany, targeting foreclosure auctions in New York and CEO’s homes in Connecticut, striking and picketing parliament in London, and waving the hammer and sickle in Moscow. Track their progress here. And 2.5 million people are striking in France, proving that it is possible to actually surrender to a recession.

Nouriel Roubini loves the economic crisis. Nicknamed Dr. Doom, he is interviewed by Forbes, Bloomberg, CNBC, and other news media whenever they want a dire prediction of multi-trillion dollar banking losses. We can assume that book sales and consulting revenues are up. His claim to fame is that he predicted the real estate crash and stock market collapse. Kudos to financial writer Eric Tyson for noting that this college professor, who has no special access to economic data, also predicted a recession in 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007. Of course, he is just one of many analysts that have been forecasting financial Armageddon for years and are now enjoying the spotlight.

Even some banks love the financial crisis. Northern Trust, fed up by government condemnation of a lavish party that they threw in February, decided to give their TARP money back and said that they didn’t even want it in the first place. Northern was founded in 1896 and has a reputation for conservative management. It survived the Great Depression with no government assistance. And now, this medium-sized Midwestern bank is worth more than Citigroup and half as much as Bank of America. Perhaps instead of criticizing them, Congress should be asking for their advice.

And I love the financial crisis because I can write articles like this. Does anyone else love the financial crisis? Let me know.