Liberals never miss an opportunity to politicize a holiday, so it’s no surprise that the Department of Energy is trying to turn trick-or-treating into a vehicle for clean-energy proselytism.
The green-energy social-justice warriors at the DOE are recommending that parents dress their kids up in “energy-themed” costumes like solar panels, particle accelerators, wind turbines, “energy vampires,” and — incredibly — Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz for “Energyween” this year.
For the wind turbine costume, they even bizarrely recommend that parents strap inflatable ankle floats to their kids’ feet and set them sailing “offshore.”
No, this is not satire. They are trying to be witty (and failing) but they’re dead serious.
Here at Energy.gov, we take Halloween seriously — very seriously. Maybe it has something to do with all the flickering lights (should’ve used LEDs), drafty haunted houses (terrible insulation) and broom-riding witches (very sustainable!).
Whatever the reason, we thought we’d share the spirit of Energyween — or is it Halloweenergy? — with these five easy-to-make, energy-themed costumes.
If you’re having trouble imagining what a solar panel or particle accelerator costume looks like, the DOE website provides helpful illustrations.
They want you to “fight climate change” with their lame solar panel costume:
Halloween may be dark and spooky, but you can bring some (renewable) energy to the party as a sleek, shiny photovoltaic solar panel. Just cover the cardboard with cellophane, secure the edges with duct tape, draw on a grid of silver contacts, and presto! You’re a critical piece of America’s clean energy future and the fight against climate change. Wear your sunglasses at night for added sustainable swagger, but please, resist the urge to climb onto any rooftops.
BONUS: Have a friend dress up as the Sun and spend the night basking in his or her glow.
“Yay! I’m the only person who dressed like a solar panel at this party! I feel so unique!”
They also think their particle accelerator costume will be “a smashing success at your next Halloweenergy party.”
“For the 50th time, no, I am not a hula-hoop dancer. I’m a particle accelerator simulating the chaos of the universe. I thought that would be obvious.”
Their wind turbine costume needs work, I think. Maybe attach a dead bald eagle to one of the blades?
Afraid to wear white after Labor Day? Don’t worry — clean energy never goes out of style. For this majestic costume, cut out three “blades” from a piece of foam poster board and attach one to each of your arms. Cut a hole for your face in the third, and wear white clothes or an old sheet to complete the look. You won’t produce electricity, but at least you’ll generate conversations wherever you go, so why not impress your friends with the fact that U.S. wind energy prices reached all-time lows in 2014, or that wind could provide up to 35% of the nation’s power by 2050?
BONUS: Add inflatable ankle floats or an inner tube to take your turbine offshore!
“Trick or treat. Want to talk about clean energy?”
The Energy Vampire:
This almost looks like a traditional Halloween costume, but the intent is to demonize people who are not energy conscious, so they’ve added “lots of charge cords” to illustrate a “creature of the night” who lurks in the shadows draining the power of the unwary.
Far scarier than the stuff of Dracula or Twilight, energy vampires are home appliances and electronic devices that suck electricity even when they aren’t in use.
This Halloween, unplug all the unused phone chargers in your house and attach them to yourself for a costume that will fill your friends with terror while saving you money.
“I’ve come to suck the power from your house! Get it? Unplug your power cords, people.”
Last but not least, on the next page, is their Ernest Moniz costume idea. You can tell that the green warriors at energy.gov kinda idolize “our nuclear physics-loving, Iran Deal-explaining, classically coiffed Secretary of Energy.”
The hair is key here — but don’t forget your copy of the Quadrennial Energy Review, the nation’s roadmap to a smarter, more secure and more competitive energy future.
“Trick or Treat. Can I explain the president’s Iran Nuke Deal to you?”