The PJ Tatler

Your Civic Duty: Creating an Alibi for Election Day

SCRIPT FOR VIDEO ABOVE

SCOTT OTT: I’m Scott Ott, and here’s a thought…

On Tuesday, November 4th, most of the nation’s registered voters will dutifully do what they always do on the first Tuesday in November. They’ll get up a little early and head out to beat the traffic. That’s because it’s election day, and they’ve got work to do. That’s right, the majority of the nation’s registered voters will be hard at it, constructing alibis for their absence from the polls. It doesn’t have to be this way. There’s no good reason for waiting until then, when you can start work on your alibi now.

Fabricating an alibi for failing to vote is thirsty work, and it gets tougher all of the time.

After all, it’s not easy to make a legitimate excuse for missing a 20-minute appointment so near your home which you’ve known about for months, about which every news source has chattered since the last election day, and
upon which rests the destiny of the nation, and of all mankind.

In addition, the polls are open for roughly 12 hours on election day.  And need I mention that 47 states allow absentee voting by mail and most of those require no excuse to do so. Thirty-three states and the District of Columbia allow early voting in person, with no excuse required. In other words, most folks could literally vote today, or tomorrow, or the next day.

All of this means that patriotic Americans will have to work extra hard to craft a solid alibi, because you can’t outsource this kind of work to illegal aliens. Many of them are much too responsible to skip voting.

November 4th will be upon us before you know it, so it’s never too early to start devising an air-tight alibi.

“Things got hectic at work today,” or “Car trouble again” or “MacKenzie had a temperature.” Those excuses will of course evoke sympathy, but only from people whose own alibis sound even more hastily slapped together.

Because of the ease and brevity of voting, the advanced warning and the variety of options in most places, some folks will resort to making their alibis sound thoughtful, anchored in deep-seated concerns about the American republic, rather than admitting to laziness or self-centered indifference or addiction to gaming and porn.

Here are some examples of thoughtful alibis.

I don’t vote because…

  • Big money has corrupted the system, so I’m going to drop my only weapon to fight it, or
  • Nothing ever changes anyway, which is why things are such a mess compared to how they used to be, or
  • My candidate lost in the primary to that cheater, so I’m going to a let bigger cheater beat him, or
  • The establishment controls the system, so I’m going to let them…that’ll teach ‘em,
  • I don’t trust electronic voting machines, because electrons are just so negative
  • I need to stay off the grid, because the NSA knows too much about me already.

Now, some folks might even try to blend the two methods by claiming that they were too busy to research the candidates and the issues.

“I’ve always valued the electoral process too much to engage in VWI — Voting While Ignorant.”

Whatever you decide, the important thing is that you do your civic duty, and develop a credible alibi for not voting. You see, there’s no excuse for making excuses that you have time to make excuses.

I’m Scott Ott, and there’s a thought.
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Paid for by the Coalition to Maintain the Status Quo.