The PJ Tatler

Letter from Barack

To: Charlie Martin

Subject: Hey

Charlie —

I hope I made you proud out there explaining the vision we share for this country. Just four short years ago, I defined a new moral course for this country, a course in which the poor would be uplifted, the rich would be made to pay for their centuries of oppression, the rising seas would return to their proper shores; every valley would be exalted, and the crooked would be made straight.

In last night’s dominating performance, I …

oh, who am I kidding?  I sucked.  It was a cold cold ride back to the hotel, and I’m not talking about the crazy Colorado weather.  Sweetie was so mad the Secret Service guy insisted on sitting between us in the limo. I tried to comfort her. “Baby, please. Look, think about Eleanor Roosevelt — she was an icon for her entire life.  She helped found the UN, she –”

“Yeah. And Franklin Roosevelt was dead.”  She gave me The Look; the Secret Service guy instinctively turned to take it on his own body, but it was too late.  “If you died in office, maybe.”  (Mental note: have the Secret Service taste my food until she calms down.)

Look, I don’t really feel like chatting; I’m just writing to remind you that the campaign isn’t over — honest! — and we’re still looking for donations.  Send $10, $5, even $1 — anything will help.  You can log into the website and make a donation with your credit card.  Hell, it doesn’t even have to be your credit card — it’s not like we’re checking.  By the time it’s noticed and charged back, I’ll be planning my library and talking to Bill about ghosting my memoirs.

Maybe I can run for Secretary-General.  Ban Ki Moon is a puppet of the special interests, the oil companies.  Yeah, that’s it.