You must forgive me for the brevity of this note. Attacking your embassy takes a lot out of a jihadi. I am winded! Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to keep the rage face on? I need a Power Bar.
But I had to take some time to thank you, America. Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
It wasn’t very long ago that we jihadis were running pretty scared. The only places we could live were places no one really wants to live. Pakistan? Afghanistan? Sudan? Have you tried getting broadband in these places? How can we bit-torrent your infidel Hollywood filth without a fiber connection? My iPhone barely works in Baidoa.
Baidoa, autocorrect. Baidoa. Not “barmaid.” Apple, your infidel autocorrect is worthless.
But I digress, I’m sorry. I’m still a bit light-headed from staying up all night burning your flag for the cameras. What do those Chinese factories put in that red dye nowadays anyway? “Land of the sneeze” is more like it.
So we didn’t have any good places to go, and Usama was dead, and no one wanted us anywhere. Life as a jihadi sucked the business end of a donkey, if you know what I mean.
Then your president did us a wonderful favor. He helped push the infidel Mubarak out of Egypt, and did nothing to keep us from taking over.
So we did. With no American army in the way like there was in Iraq all those years, there was nothing but an election standing our way, and as the man from ACORN knows all too well, elections are not much of a barrier if you are determined enough.
We’re the Muslim Brotherhood, boyzzzz! We were banned for decades but we r back!
Barack Hussein Obama the American president gave us a great gift: Egypt. The most important country in all the ummah!
Praise Allah and the Arab Spring!
I will trade Karachi for Cairo any day, believe you me. You take dirt, I’ll take a view of the pyramids. Until we destroy those infidel symbols of pagan sin.
From Egypt we can build something spectacular, just you watch. We will rock the Casbah, infidel!
We will have to get rid of those pesky Jews first. But guess what? Your president gave us another great gift!
He spurned the filthy Jew pig leader while we were busy attacking your embassy! In Cairo!
Your stupid media will never understand what Barack has done for us this week, so allow me to explain how we see it.
We attack you in our back yard on the anniversary of our great victory over you in the heart of your infidel cities. Your president says nothing, but is seen publicly giving the filthy Jew pig leader the back of his hand.
Then he humiliated the Jew even more, by having only a phone conversation with him! LOL, as the kids say. Barack popped Bibi like a boss.
Obama offered to meet our man Morsi the same time he declined to meet the Jew. And he went on Letterman. And he talked to some DJ. They are all more important to him than meeting some Jew. We get it. Insert troll face here, my friends, because that is the face that I am making at you right now. Maybe I should text my troll face picture to you?
Now you are sending destroyers to the coast of Libya, when you should be sending the USS Tripoli and the USS Iwo Jima. Destroyers launch missiles only. We don’t care. Launch all the missiles you want and we will make videos showing how you are killing innocent babies. CNN will run them! But those amphibious carriers launch swarms of Marines and attack helicopters. About that, we would care. A lot. The symbolism alone — the Tripoli, hanging off the coast of Tripoli — no one in the world would miss the message: Mess with the American bull and get the Marine horns. Amiright? I would defecate on my pallet, I tell you.
But the America we know is no bull. It’s a calf. Maybe a lamb. Baaaa. Yes, a lamb. For shearing and slaughtering.
Your president is telling us that he is not really serious about stopping us. The ships are all for show. We got the message, big guy. How was Vegas?
We own Egypt now, thankyouverymuch. It’s ours. Just like Iran.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go. I am a tired jihadi. I have to rest up. Tomorrow is Friday, our day of prayers. That’s when we usually get pious before we get all jiggy with the jihad, if you know what I mean. It’s gonna be a riot!
Notice, by the way, that I haven’t mentioned that movie everyone is talking about? Honestly I never heard of it until one of the fellows decided to use it to stir up the rubes in the streets.
They are so stupid, they believe anything.
It’s a crappy movie, not up to America’s usual standards.
Will and Grace and The New Normal…now that’s entertainment! I’d die for more Glee!
Your top general soldier boy will be asking producers to stop making that filth any day now, though. It offends us. ;)