The PJ Tatler

Wall Street in Free Fall; Stock Brokers Commit Mass Suicide

As calmly encouraged by the Obama Administration and hence widely anticipated, the U.S. stock markets crashed today because the obstructionist Republicans again refused to yield in the face of President Obama’s persuasive and bipartisan efforts to bring peace, justice and prosperity to all of humankind.  He is flexible;  why can’t they be flexible too? The Republicans know only one dance, the old fashioned two step.  Will they never progress?

At the closing bell, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was down almost ninety whole points points (0.70 percent) and the NASDAQ average was down an even more incredible sixteen points (about 0.56 percent).  George Will claims that “Those markets opened; the heavens held.”  What does he know about heavens!  This is horrible! Nothing this bad has ever happened since 1929 or even later.  It’s Y2K all over again! Everybody knew it had to happen – the media and top Washington experts told us so.

The hype was out there. Spread by people like Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, Republican John Boehner and President Obama. If an agreement was not reached by the time Asian markets opened Sunday evening, the markets may collapse, even crash. The fear was spread all weekend long by the media, running with these comments from powerful leaders. The markets opened lower, but barely down one-percent at 9:30am ET. The SPDR S&P 500 ETF (NYSE:SPY) opened at $133.30, down from a close on Friday of $134.58.

What shall we do — Jump off a cliff? Out the window?  Take a poison pill?  Sepuku — that’s multicultural and probably the answer. What can President Obama do – Postpone some fundraisers? That would be too horrible even to contemplate.

In related news,

A 50-year-old South African man thought to be dead woke up in a chilly morgue on Sunday and shouted to be let out, scaring off two attendants who thought he was a ghost, local media reported.

The Irish have a song about that sort of thing.

But then the Irish have songs about almost everything.