The wild nature of American politics here in the Year of Our Lord 2026 can lead to the occasional mood swing, especially for those of us who are steeped in the news for work. While I tend to stay fairly Zen-like when it comes to politics, I sometimes take a dark turn and think the unthinkable, wondering what I'd do if the Democrats get control of the White House and Congress at once again in my lifetime.
Yeah, it's a rough one.
Until recently, I didn't view much of anything as an existential crisis. Sadly, the Democrats we know now are mentally unwell and beyond the reach of modern therapy. They are very open about their desire to destroy any freedoms that patriotic Americans love. Their goal is the complete dismantling of the Constitution and one-party rule forever. They'll still call it the United States of America, but it won't be the country we know.
Because I'm me, I do like to try and make the best of any doomsday situation. I'd rather not sit around here and watch my beloved Republic turn into Soviet Union 2.0, so I figure that I'll try to hit the road and see what kind of fun I can have as an expatriated American. Poland in the wintertime would be preferable to Arizona in the commietime. Maybe I'll find a faraway beach and just fish.
We all know I wouldn't be an expat for long. Once the real United States is gone, the rest of the planet isn't long for the world. People can bitch all they want about us being the world's police, but just give a few moments of thought to what it might look like if we weren't.
See what I mean?
I would like to maximize my end of days expatriate adventure. Antarctica seems like a good bet for getting hit last, but I'm going to be picky about the weather at some point. If there is going to be a mushroom cloud, I would kind of like to see it. Rumor has it that people only get one shot at that most of the time. Once everything pops off, I'd just like enough time to get some pictures, maybe post them to Instagram, and enjoy a beer before my face melts off. My wants and needs are simple.
A plan is always important, though.
(I would like to give a hat-tip to my good friend and partner in thought crime Stephen Green for this column's headline. I was thinking it, he said it, and graciously let me use it.)
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