Quick item of VIP housekeeping before we claim the couch, TV remote, and all the Frito-Lay products for the next 72 hours: As of today, we’re hereby christening a totally new (and very catchy) euphemism into our lexicon.
I present to you:
AOCing (verb): To complain, whine, and moan. “Stop AOCing about my hygiene, I took a bath last week.”
Okay, on to the topic at hand: the NFL Draft.
There are two kinds of people in this world: People who LOVE the NFL Draft… and normal, well-adjusted humans. This column is dedicated to the former — my fellow misfits and armchair general managers. (You know who you are.)
For people like us, today is Christmas morning, plus the Super Bowl, PLUS Mardi Gras!
All day long, you’re watching kids’ dreams come true. Nobody is a bust (yet); every first-rounder is a potential Hall of Famer. And the underlying strategy by the teams, as they compete with each other and try to leverage every advantage they have (lie, spread rumors, hint that a prospect is a cokehead, yada yada) is a fascinating spectacle to behold.
It’s Moneyball with Hulks.
Twenty years ago, the NFL Draft was all on one day. That was glorious! You could camp in front of your TV and drink from the firehose. Sometimes, you’d see a team crack under pressure: They lost their “pet cat” early, fell behind the eight-ball, and imploded on national TV.
It was football, reality TV, “The Bachelor,” and “Shark Tank” all rolled into one.
Nowadays, they stretch it out. Round one is tonight. The next two rounds are on Friday. Rounds four through seven are on Saturday. After that, there’ll be a mad dash for unsigned college players — and depending on the bidding war, those kids sometimes make more money than drafted people.
But before you can settle in and enjoy the mayhem, you’ve got work to do:
First, what is the NFL Draft? It’s the NFL’s recruitment process.
Each year, all 32 teams are ranked in order and given seven rounds to draft players to their teams. Depending on which round they were selected, a team could have rights to a player’s services for five years — a huge hunk of his career. And since players are compensated according to their draft slot, if you find a franchise quarterback like Tom Brady in the sixth round, you’ll only be paying him pennies on the dollar for years! That gives you a tremendous advantage.
Because the NFL has a (semi-) rigid salary cap, teams that draft well can stockpile talent; teams that can’t will have to overpay in free agency.
A good draft can save a franchise. A great draft can win you the Super Bowl!
Obviously, to enjoy the Draft drama, you’re gonna need food and drinks. And since it’s still football (kind of), you’re required to drink beer and eat nachos. (I don’t make the rules.) It’s also the perfect occasion to fire up your grill and chow down on the carcass of your choice.
A good Draft Day Party ought to have no less than three grills blazing 24/7. (Maybe throw in a fourth grill, if you have a top-five pick.) Ribs, wings, burgers, brisket — go wild.
(Just don’t run out of beer.)
You’re also required to wear the jersey of your favorite team. (Again, I don’t make the rules.) But if they suck, it’s totally okay to smear barbeque sauce all over it.
Back in the old days, you’d always have a ton of NFL Draft magazines nearby, so you could argue about all the players you’ve never heard of before. It was imperative to buy AT LEAST three different mags, preferably with starkly different editorial positions. This way, whoever your team drafted, you could find at least one “expert” to talk you off the ledge.
And to be totally honest, there’s no way anyone can remember all those players without a draft guide. I love college football, but by the midway point of the second round, I’m just pretending like I’ve heard of ‘em.
That’s where those magazines came in!
They’d describe some small school prospect as “the next Charles Haley” or whatever, and you’d go, “Well, we could use that!” And then, you’d be crossing your fingers and jumping up and down if your team drafted him… solely because of a few words in a magazine (that probably went to print months earlier).
I used to have a big collection of NFL Draft magazines, because each year I’d buy a handful. Had ‘em dating back to the 1990s. But I lost most of ‘em to the Hurricane Hellene flooding, and honestly, it’s outdated technology. All the info is online now.
Which makes it easier to make snap judgments, solely based on YouTube highlights.
The Once and Future King of the NFL Draft is Mel Kiper. For many years, he had the most glorious head of hair on TV. It was an architectural marvel. Alas, over the past half-decade, his marvelous mane has atrophied. The older follicles withered and died, and not enough young ones could get on the field. Now, he’s only a few years away from becoming Terry Bradshaw.
Hair… the NFL draft… they’re all analogies for youth, renewal, and rebirth. Tonight, your favorite team will be sticking a toe in the football Lazarus Pit.
‘Cause he who’s “not busy being born is busy dying.”
Here’s what you need to know about the 2025 draft: A quarterback from the University of Miami, Cam Ward, will go #1 overall. It’s an absolute, stone-cold lock.
At least, we think so.
But until it happens, you don’t know for sure:
About a decade earlier, during the 2016 draft, a guy named Larry Tunsil was drafted by Miami at #13 overall. He was also expected to go much higher. But just a few hours before the draft, his Twitter account was hacked and someone uploaded a video of him ripping off bong hits in a gas mask.
Weird stuff happens on Draft Day.
Two kids from Colorado will get talked about a lot tonight. Travis Hunter is a two-way threat, playing both wide receiver and cornerback, and is a legit first-round prospect at both spots. He’ll go as high as #2 overall and probably has the highest ceiling in the draft. Best case scenario, he’ll be the Shohei Ohtani of the NFL.
His teammate, Shedeur Sanders, is the draft’s wildcard. His father is NFL legend Deion Sanders, but Shedeur didn’t inherit his father’s unworldly athleticism. He has a great touch, accuracy, and toughness, but he’s not a Michael Vick or a Lamar Jackson who can lean on his athletic ability as he learns the NFL game. College quarterbacks tend to be overdrafted, so there might be a team willing to trade up and grab him.
But it also wouldn’t be a shocker if he fell to the bottom of the first round, à la Aaron Rodgers in 2005. Sanders has plenty of fans — and no shortage of critics.
Recommended: Too Much, Too Soon: Why AOC Won’t Be the Dem’s Nominee — but THIS PERSON Will
Another fun prospect is Ashton Jeanty, the Boise State running back. In recent years, the NFL has downgraded the running back position. The big money now goes to wide receivers, offensive tackles, and quarterbacks; the running back is the low man on the financial totem pole. But Jeanty is special. Some experts say he has the best balance since Emmitt Smith. He could go in the top five, or he could fall out of the top 10.
So buckle up, boys and girls. Get ready to flip between ESPN and the NFL Network every seven seconds. (Pro Tip: Also link your phone to your team’s official radio partner. Very often, their coverage is way better.)
Best of all, no matter what happens, today, your team won’t lose.
Only your liver. Cheers!
