Roger L. Simon

Berkeley's Secret Business Plan

You will be relieved to hear that Jefferson Elementary School in Berkeley is no longer named after that notorious slaveholder from Monticello VA and is now being called, by vote of the community, Sequoia Elementary (after the tree, not the Cherokee chief).

Now before you roll your eyes in weariness at this ahistorical nonsense, which doesn’t even begin to countenance the extraordinary complexity of the man who was arguably (no, easily) the most brilliant all-around mind ever in the presidency, let me suggest that something else may be afoot. A secret strategy could be unrolling here. Berkeley is slowly and inexorably turning itself into a Political Correctness Theme Park. This stealth business plan will be actuated on April 25, 2009, on the fortieth anniversary of People’s Park when the entire city will be shut down, cars banned from the streets and henceforth admission charged to non-residents the way it is is in Disneyland. Every night parades with fireworks will be held led by over-sized dolls of Abbie Hoffman, Allen Ginsburg and Jerry Garcia. All streets will be scented with patchouli, meat banned from the restaurants and only tie-dye clothes (or in some instances hemp) be permitted.

Until that day, clandestine operations like Jefferson Elementary being changed to Sequoia Elementary will continue, along with the pulbication of mirage editorials like this one to distract you from their real intentions. Get your advanced tickets now at a discount. I understand they will soon be available at Ticketron (or whatever ticket agency from those days is still in existence).