I Stole Hillary's Emails

I cannot tell a lie.  I stole Hillary’s emails.  Well, not all of them, about 14,000. That’s all I could fit on my already-clogged hard drive.  But I ordered a new three terabyte baby from Amazon that should be here tomorrow since I have Prime — so I’ll be back for more.

Now I know my reputation is as a writer and not a hacker or even a techie, so I owe you an explanation for how I did it — otherwise you won’t believe me. To be honest, I got a little help from Fox’s James Rosen, who wrote Thursday:

… with the aid of software named Maltego, experts had established that the [Clinton] server is up and running, receiving connectivity to the Internet through an Atlanta-based firm called Internap Network Services Corporation….

Now, working with publicly available tools that map network connectivity, experts have established that the last “hop” before the mail server’s Internet Protocol, or IP, address (listed as 64.94.172.146) is Internap’s aggregator in Manhattan (listed as 216.52.95.10).

A lot of technical bla-bla, then Rosen cuts to the chase:

Perhaps most concerning, private analysts determined that clintonemail.com has been running an older model of Microsoft Internet Information Services, or IIS – specifically version 7.5, which has been documented to leave users exposed on multiple fronts. The website CVEDetails.com, which bills itself as “the ultimate security vulnerability datasource,” is awash with descriptions of serious security vulnerabilities associated with version 7.5, including “memory corruption,” “password disclosure vulnerability,” and the enabling of “remote attackers to execute arbitrary code or cause a denial of service.”

Old Microsoft software?  Exposed on multiple fronts?  Password vulnerability?…  This was the server of the secretary of state???  It sounded like an average Chinese third grader could crack it!

But wait…  didn’t that mean I….?

Well, what do you know?  I knew I didn’t take that YouTube course in cobol for nothing.  Out they came, all 14,000 emails.  I haven’t even gone through a tenth of them yet, but I promise you one thing, I’m no sucker.  No one gets my  stash for nothing.  Not with today’s erratic stock market.  But… just because I’m a nice guy… I will share a few with you.  Some are personal, some political.  Some personal and political.  You be the judge.

TO: POTUS

FROM: STATE

SUBJECT: CONTRACT

Barack, I thought we agreed that if Bill spoke at your nomination you weren't going to do anything to hurt my future. I already told the SEAL's father at the funeral we were going to get the guy who made that ridiculous video and he didn't believe me for a second. With all due respect, get someone else to tell that cockamamie story on the Sunday shows. What's a National Security Adviser for anyway?

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TO: HUMA

FROM: HIL

SUBJECT: THINKING OF YOU

Please tell your mother I'm so sorry about what happened to Morsi. You know I'm behind the MB all the way. People are so unfair to fundamentalists. PS: Love the new dress. And don't worry about Anthony. So what if he's not mayor of NY? You won't have to go to all those dreadful functions and you'll have more time. [emoticon missing]

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TO: JARRETT

FROM: STATE

SUBJECT: DECISIONS

Valerie, what's with POTUS? I haven't spoken to him for weeks. Can you tell him what his Iran policy is already so he can get back to me?

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TO:BUBBA

FROM: MRS. BUBBA

SUBJECT: SAYONARA

I know you don’t read or write emails (so you say) but I have no choice – this time it’s over. You promised me you would never come within a hundred miles of Jeffrey Epstein and his…. [the rest got garbled in the feed. Not even Maltego software is perfect. Yes, there’s more, but you’ll just have to wait. Or maybe you can invent your own. I’m sure they’ll be accurate.]

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