GOP Senators Surviving Snoozefest Impeachment Trial with Fidget Spinners, Secret Candy Drawer

Lawmakers are under fire for being seen on the Senate floor playing with fidget spinners, stress balls, and crossword puzzles while Adam Schiff drones on and on about things that never happened. If I had to sit through the mind-numbing impeachment trial going on right now, it would take a whole lot more than a couple of toys to get me through it. Vodka comes to mind, but the senators are only allowed water and milk in the chambers, which should be considered some kind of human rights violation. How is anyone supposed to listen to Jerry Nadler sober?

Senator Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) is a man after my own heart. The Hill reported,

Several senators were spotted with glasses of milk, including Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) quipping he “had some milk with my chocolate.”

“I guess I could’ve added vodka & had a White Russian (minus the Kahlua). But @RepAdamSchiff probably would’ve accused me of collusion,” the senator posted Wednesday, referring to the Democratic congressman from California.

ABC News, always on the cutting edge of the most important breaking stories, reported that “Richard Burr, R-N.C., handed out the toys to several of his fellow senators in the chamber before Thursday’s trial proceedings got underway.” Thank you, ABC, for that very important information we could not live without. It’s absolutely shocking and horrifying that senators are as bored as the rest of us with this sham show-trial. Like Greta Thunberg, we ask in an outraged tone, “How dare you?”

It seems that our intrepid media is all over this story like the state of our nation depends upon it.

Three senators were spotted with fidget spinners as impeachment trial proceedings began on Thursday.
Sens. Tom Cotton (purple spinner), Richard Burr (blue spinner), and Pat Toomey (white spinner) were spotted with spinners on their desks.

— Nicholas Wu (@nicholaswu12) January 23, 2020

Then there’s the candy drawer. I need one of these in my desk. I’m going to immediately clear out some space. What a great idea! Barring the use of cocaine, which I imagine is frowned upon in the Senate chambers, this is the next best thing to help bleary-eyed senators stay awake during this snoozefest.

Senators endure marathon impeachment trial with help of 'candy desk'. Apparently they're only allowed water & milk in the chamber, this candy desk is the lifeline for survival. Most important story of the day I think. https://t.co/L0EhR6BOGY

— (((רחל Steinmetz))) (@RachelSteinmetz) January 22, 2020

I like the secret nature of this drawer. Since they aren’t allowed on their electronics, or allowed to talk, they should all be given clues to find the drawer in a treasure-hunt scenario. It could be like “National Treasure” if Nicholas Cage and his crew were doddering seventy-year-olds searching all over Washington for an afternoon pick-me-up.

Apparently, this drawer has been there since 1968! I hope for their sake the candy isn’t as old as the drawer.

The candy desk – filled entirely with confectioneries – is situated near the entrance on the Republican side of the Senate chamber, and has been stocked by Republicans ever since Senator George Murphy first started stowing sweets in its drawer in 1968.

Murphy was a Hollywood actor, singer and dancer who was later elected a United States Senator from California. When he lost his seat in 1971, the candy-desk duties were passed on to a string of successors.

For the Democrats to now take control of the desk they would need to win 80 seats, whereas the Republicans only need 20 seats to keep it.

A floorplan of the Senate chamber shows the candy desk is located at seat 24, where it has been since the 80s.

The desk is currently occupied by Pennsylvania Senator Pat Toomey. It’s his office’s job to restock the desk drawer with candy.

Also, coffee is banned. This should be a federal crime. I realize no one likes politicians, but that’s just cruel and unusual. Here’s hoping that the impeachment trial brings to light more of these fascinating bits of history and intrigue, because what’s on trial is a real snooze.