News & Politics

'Florida Man' Threatens to Kill Neighbor With 'Kindness'

I’m from Florida. I love Florida (especially when there’s nearly a foot of snow in my yard). In fact, I’m proud of Florida. There are reasons why so many tourists flock to my home state. Our beaches are better. Our sun is shinier. Our seafood is more delicious. And our crazy people are crazier, hence, the trope the “Florida Man.” Although, I’m not sure if that’s something to be proud of, but … it’s something. In the latest “Florida Man” incident, a man from my neck of the Florida woods threatened to kill his neighbor with kindness. The kicker? He had named his machete “kindness.”

Why someone would name a machete “kindness” is irrelevant. Bryan Stewart, the owner of “kindness,” is a genuine “Florida Man,” after all.

Hailing from the town where I attended high school (Milton), Stewart became irate after a neighbor confronted him. Well, “became irate” is a bit of a misnomer. Stewart was already irate. You see, the concerned neighbor had heard Stewart yelling in his house that he was going to, “kill ’em with kindness.”

Before moving forward with the details of this story, I should probably highlight the fact that the neighbor was concerned over the phrase, “kill ’em with kindness.” Here in the tranquil calm of Arlington, Va., if I heard my neighbor yell that phrase, I would assume that he was simply employing the well-known colloquialism to point out that he would not be engaging in any violence. Not in Milton, Florida, though. As I’ve already pointed out, the “Florida Man” stereotype exists for a reason.

Well, after the concerned neighbor approached Stewart’s house, the Pensacola News Journal reports:

Stewart came out of the house with a knife raised in an upward motion, according to the report. At that point, the victim stepped in front of the man and blocked Stewart’s attempted knife strike. As a result, the man told deputies he suffered a half-inch cut on his left hand.

Of course, being a “Florida Man,” Stewart didn’t let the presence of the police put a damper on his crazy:

When Stewart was arrested, deputies say his breath smelled of alcohol and they had to repeat things to the suspect numerous times. Stewart had to be stunned with a Taser in order to be detained inside of the patrol car, his report said, and also had to be hobbled after he repeatedly kicked and banged his head inside the car.

No doubt, because Bryan Stewart is a “Florida Man,” after his current legal troubles are resolved, he and the neighbor he slashed with “kindness” will share a cold Coors Light while they complain about the tourists clogging up the area’s roads.