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Who Pooped Joe Biden's Pants?

Democratic presidential candidate former Vice President Joe Biden speaks at a primary election night campaign rally Tuesday, March 3, 2020, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

If you’ve been reading me for any length of time, Dear Reader, you know that I always bring you the plain truth. Clear-eyed and unbiased. I will never give you anything but my honest, heartfelt opinion, based on all available evidence. It won’t always be what you want to hear. At times, you may even resent me for it. But I simply don’t know any other way. I am but a humble servant to the truth. I must follow the facts wherever they may lead.

And it’s a fact that today, during a livestream conversation between presumptive Democratic Party nominee Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. and Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf, there was a very loud non-verbal sound that can really only have one source.

Listen carefully to the following clip, provided by a concerned citizen on Twitter, focusing on the moment Biden says the word “bridges.” You might need to listen a few times, and you might want to anyway:

What was that sound? After a brief but intense period of study, I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities:

  1. A piece of typing paper or cellophane being rolled up into a ball
  2. A man’s booted foot being thrust violently into a deep puddle of viscous mud
  3. The barely solid contents of Joe’s colon hitting his adult undergarment at great speed

The first one is remotely possible, I suppose, but the second one is exceedingly unlikely. Therefore — and it gives me less pleasure to say this than you might imagine — Occam’s Razor dictates that 77-year-old Joe Biden has very loudly pooped his pants in front of the whole world.

But don’t take my word for it. Just look at how the Biden campaign is trying to deflect from the issue. David Mack, BuzzFeed:

A live-streamed campaign video chat between presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden and Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf on Wednesday was briefly muffled by the sound of what appeared to be a very wet fart…

So what was the source of the fart noise? A leather chair? A mic rubbing against some fabric? Too many fig newtons?…

Reached for comment, a Biden aide told BuzzFeed News only, “Glad you’re putting resources into this important story.”

That’s not a denial. It is now all but confirmed that Joe had a little accident.

BuzzFeed is also conducting a poll on the matter, and as I’m writing this, 65% of the respondents believe the noise emanated from Biden’s posterior region. Science has spoken.

Given Biden’s advanced age, the stresses of running a presidential campaign during a prolonged quarantine, and his customary diet of ice cream and processed meats, it’s no surprise that he might have a little oopsie now and then. These things happen. There’s no shame in it. We’re all human. Just ask Eric Swalwell.

And it just gave me a great idea for livening up the debates!