News & Politics

The Latest Vegan Atrocity: Fake Pork

As some pundit (whose name escapes me) once noted, “Environmentalists make good movie villains because they want to make your real life worse.” In recent years, we’ve seen this with cinematic characters like Thanos and whatever the bad guy’s name was in Aquaman. They wanted to kill a bunch of people because they thought it would save the environment. If real-life environmentalists can’t get away with killing you, they can at least try to make you as miserable as possible, as punishment for being alive. They scold you for driving a car that actually works. They want you to eat crickets and worms and other vermin. Now they’re even scolding you for watching too much Netflix because it’s killing the planet. They hate humanity and they want your life to suck. That’s also why they keep trying to cram fake-meat soy slop down your gullet.

Impossible Foods is well-named, because that’s roughly the likelihood I’ll ever eat their repulsive frankenfoods. But apparently enough people are buying Impossible Burgers to encourage them to keep going. Now the company is introducing Impossible Pork. Mmmm, yummy!

Elizabeth Lopatto at The Verge tried some Impossible Pork products so you don’t have to:

“It’s fine.”

“Yeah. Seems legit.”

A glowing endorsement!

Does it taste like pork? Lopatto says she doesn’t know because she hasn’t eaten pork in 20 years. Which is a bit like asking for Stevie Wonder’s Oscar picks. But she does say it’s really salty. If Impossible Pork is anything like Impossible Burgers, it has over five times as much sodium as real meat. Healthy!

But you should be shamed into eating it anyway, as Sigal Samuel at Vox Dot Com explains:

If it catches on, Impossible Pork could be a consequential leap forward for the plant-based meat movement. Pork is the most consumed meat on the planet, accounting for 36 percent of global meat intake. If Impossible Foods can get us to eat and enjoy a meatless version of it instead, it could help save millions of pigs from suffering on factory farms and curb the impact of pig farming on the environment. It could also improve human health, not least because it’ll help us combat risks like antibiotic resistance.

See? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

As the great Joe Bob Briggs says: “Stop lying and eat your salad.” If you don’t want to eat meat, don’t. Fake meat is no better for you, and it’s arguably worse. And a chunk of soy protein is never going to taste like the real thing, no matter how much artificial flavoring and salt they dump into it.

If you’re so miserable about the state of the planet that you’ll choke down this nauseating goop, what are you even doing here? If you really believed what you’re saying, you’d check out.

But if you insist on sticking around, just get over yourselves. You don’t need any “impossible” foods or “beyond” meats. Just treat yourself to a nice juicy steak or some crispy, delicious bacon. You’ll feel better! And maybe you’ll even shut up.