News & Politics

Conan the Terrorist-Killing Dog Visits the White House

If you hate Donald Trump so much that you think every single thing he does is wrong, but you’re also a dog-lover, today is a very, very bad day. What you’re about to see is going to cause such excruciating cognitive dissonance that I almost feel guilty for laughing at you.


Trump praised the hero dog who hunted down the terrorist, so that means dogs are bad now and terrorists are good. You can’t like dogs anymore. In any dispute between a Trump dog and a terrorist, you have to root for the terrorist or else you love Trump. If you still like dogs after today, you have to wear a MAGA hat all the time. Sorry, those are the rules.

Trump is also pardoning a couple of turkeys, named Bread and Butter. It seems dumb to name an animal that won’t come when you call it, but whatever. Pardoning turkeys is what American presidents traditionally do the week of Thanksgiving, but since when is Trump a traditional president? He should feed those dopey birds to Conan the Hero Dog instead. Then he’ll win 2020 in a landslide.