News & Politics

What Really Happened to Jussie Smollett?

Now that Jussie Smollett has been completely exonerated, and we all know he didn’t do it because he is his mother’s son and whatnot, one question remains: What really happened to him? Keen-eyed professional journalist Brian Stelter was quick to proclaim that we may never know what occurred on that astonishingly cold January night in Chicago, and he’s probably right. But we can use the power of imagination, can’t we?

Here are four possible — nay, probable — scenarios:

1. The Osundairo brothers wore whiteface. Under their ski masks. Like ya do. That’s what Smollett’s lawyer is saying now. It might seem unlikely, if you’re closed-minded and racist. Were you there? Did you see?

Here’s the video she’s talking about:

Well, that would explain it. They were making their own Dark Knight sequel, and they wanted Jussie to be a part of it. (Did you know that movie was filmed in Chicago?) They didn’t tell him beforehand because they wanted it to have a Cinéma vérité feel. Can you prove that’s not what happened?

2. It wasn’t actually Jussie who got attacked, it was his Tethered clone. Like in that movie Us. (Whoops, did I just spoil it? The movie, I mean, not the hoax.) The victim of the attack was actually Jussie’s weird, creepy clone, escaped from a secret underground bunker built by the government. Or maybe Jussie was the weird, creepy clone all along! (Whoops, did I spoil it again?)

3. None of this is really happening. Can you really trust the evidence of your own senses? Maybe you’re hallucinating the whole thing. Or maybe it’s a highly sophisticated computer simulation, or an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. How do you know any of this is real?

4. Jussie lyin’. Jussie is lying.

It could be any of those, except the last one because that’s racist.

And why do you care anyway? Just because everybody told you that you needed to pay attention to this story, that it was a sad commentary on life in Trump’s America, that doesn’t mean you need to be so obsessed with it. No matter what you do, you’re a racist, so go be racist somewhere else.

Racist!