News & Politics

Howard Schultz Gives Dems the Jitters

Howard Schultz Gives Dems the Jitters
(AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)

As a member of the Second-Greatest Generation, I vaguely remember H. Ross Perot. He was the funny little fella with the big ears who ran for president as an independent back in 1992. He was a Texas billionaire who made his money in computers, long before everybody had computers in their pockets, and he had never held public office. He seemed to be running for president because… well, because he damn well felt like it, that’s why. As I recall, his solution to all of America’s problems at the time was simple: “Fix it. Just fix it. What are you people lollygaggin’ around for? Just fix the dang thing!”* I’m pretty sure that’s as detailed as his platform ever got. Most people didn’t think Perot could win, except of course the 20 million Americans who voted for him. Today he’s remembered, if he’s remembered at all, as the man who probably cost George H.W. Bush a second term. If not for Perot, Bill Clinton would be a footnote instead of a DNA splotch. Perot proved that one man can change the course of human history just by being a pest.

That’s why I find it amusing that another possible independent candidate is driving Dems crazy today. All the people who voted for Hillary Clinton, who would be blessedly forgotten by now if the 1992 election had been a two-way race, are panicking at the idea that 2020 might not be a two-way race.

Enter ex-Starbucks chairman and #RaceTogether mastermind Howard Schultz:

Closely followed by all the libs freaking out about Howard Schultz running for president:

“Arrogant and unpatriotic.” “Reckless idiocy.” “Go back to getting ratioed on Twitter.” Damn. There’s even talk of a Starbucks boycott. These kids are venti, venti upset. They need to switch to decaf!

All I know about Schultz is that he’s responsible for some of Starbucks’ more boneheaded moves in recent years, from trying to end racism by writing a hashtag on paper cups to trying to end racism by opening their bathrooms to one and all. We still have racism despite Schultz’s efforts, but at least he gave it a try. I have no idea what the words “centrist” or “independent” even mean anymore, but “Hey, at least I’m not those other two clowns” will be enough for some people to vote for him.

I hate both parties fairly equally, so at this point I’m just in it for the chaos. I just wanna watch everybody get #triggered. Schultz has the potential to piss off a lot of snowflakes on both sides, so I say good for him. Plus, all the coffee puns will wear out their welcome quickly, which will annoy even more people. Tee-hee!

Can he win? Nope. Will his candidacy matter at all? Maybe. He could end up being another Perot. But then, it’s not 1992, Trump isn’t Bush, and the Dem candidate won’t be Bill Clinton. (No, he can’t run again. Sorry, libs.) After Hillary’s devastating failure in 2016, it’s more obvious than ever that nobody knows what they’re talking about, least of all me.

I guess that would be my advice to all the libs who are triggered by Howard Schultz right now: Don’t worry about it, because nobody knows anything.

At this point, I’m used to getting everything wrong. It’s not so bad once you encase yourself in an impenetrable cocoon of passive-aggressive irony. Election 2020: Shrug Emoji!

*This isn’t a direct quote. Might be from Dana Carvey? After a while, the candidate and the SNL parody blur together. Just ask Sarah Palin.