It’s been a crazy week so far if you’re a news junkie. You’ve got the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings, and the crazy left-wing protestors in attendance. You’ve got the Senate hearings on social media affecting the 2016 election, and the crazy right-wing protestors in attendance. Some lunatic in Dallas rammed his truck into a local news studio and hurled copies of his manifesto around like confetti. It’s been pretty nuts. And in case all that isn’t insane enough for ya, some anonymous “senior official in the Trump administration” has just penned an op-ed in the NYT with a very provocative headline:
Wow! As they say in the news business, “Big If True.”
If you want to understand why a White House insider would do something like this, I’m here to help. Let’s take a closer look at this anonymous essay. In the interest of journalistic exactitude, we’ll take it paragraph by paragraph.
Hello, America. My name is not Mike Pence. I am not the Vice President of the United States.
Whoa. Right from the start, we’re thrown off guard. Who’s the author? We know who it’s not. He or she has told us that. But who is it? Is Mike Pence the author? Well, no, he just said he’s not. Or she.
I work in the White House, and I’m super-important. I do awesome stuff for America every day, like secretly keeping Trump from killing us all and then writing op-eds about how grateful you should be. I want to reiterate right here that I am probably not Mike Pence.
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. This person is a high-ranking White House official, other than the one you probably think it is, and he or she is the only thing keeping America from plunging into disaster probably. His or her identity must be kept secret, or else Trump will find out and yell at him. Or her.
As a White House insider, I can reveal the awful truth: Trump is a stupid stinky fart-face and nobody likes him. He really sucks. If I just let him run around the White House in his big poopy diaper doing president-type stuff all by himself, he would mess it all up and you’d hate him even more than you do now.
I don’t know if the “diaper” thing is metaphorical or literal, but I’m not going to colon-shame anyone. There but for the grace of God go I.
You want an example to prove what I’m saying? Fine. One time Trump was eating candy out of a big glass jar, this was during a really important meeting, and he was just gobbling up all this candy. Looked like almond clusters or maybe almond bark. Nom nom nom, the whole meeting. And he didn’t offer any of it to anybody else. He just sat there and crammed this entire jar of chocolate into his face, while we got on with the meeting and pretended it was okay. Hello? When I bring food to work for consumption outside of scheduled meal breaks, I share it with everybody. Who doesn’t? Trump doesn’t, that’s who. He knows I have hypoglycemia, too. I get really bad headaches. He doesn’t care.
This is a pretty serious claim, but it confirms my prejudices, so I’ve decided that it’s true.
I’m not Mike Pence, I want to be clear on that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t exist. I am an actual person in real life, and I work in the White House in 2018. I could tell you my name, but apparently it never occurred to you that I don’t feel like it.
You might be inclined to dismiss the author on account of his or her anonymity, but you have to admit that he makes a good point. Or she.
Could we just go back to the candy thing for a minute? Because that really bothers me. He’s the president, fine, I get it. I’m not disputing that. I’m not some dumb liberal, I know how the Electoral College works. But would it be such a huge deal to let me have a piece of his precious chocolate candy once in a while? Is he saying I’m fat? Because, um, maybe he should look in the mirror. I’m not insulting the guy, I’m just stating facts here.
I get what the author is saying here. Sharing is important.
Anyway, I’m the reason you’re not dead or speaking Russian right now, so a little gratitude would be nice. Notice how it’s been almost two years since Hillary got #rektAF, but Trump still hasn’t put his name on the front of the White House in big gold letters? Wanna know why? Yours truly. That was me. I stopped him from doing that. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue would be called the Trump House if not for me, and you’d be required by federal law to call it that. I kept it from happening. Did I ask for any credit? Did I want a ticker-tape parade? No, I just suffered in silence. You’re welcome, America. Also, Mike Pence would be a good president, I’m just throwing that out there.
The evidence is clear: this is an American hero. I applaud this bravely anonymous man or woman for going behind the back of the president of the United States and squealing to the Grey Lady. Rest assured, it’s not an amazingly stupid, self-defeating thing to do. Only good can come of it, and it will make America great.