News & Politics

Animals Are Dumb, and They Want to Kill Us All

I(mage Via Shutterstock)

If there’s one thing that all rational people can agree on, one fundamental principle that transcends all barriers of politics, race, religion, sports rivalries, and favorite cinematic superhero universes, it’s that animals are the enemy of mankind and must be destroyed. Animals are dumb, but they’re also deadly AF. They want to kill us. You might think some of them are your friends, just because you feed them and clean up their poop and scratch behind their ears. But if worse comes to worst and it’s down to either you or your pooch… Fido’s gonna look out for Fido.

That’s why I didn’t weep like a little girl Jimmy Kimmel when a brave dentist from Minnesota defeated a man-eating lion named Cecil. I’m not under the delusion that lions are the lovable, cuddly pals we see in Disney movies and at furry conventions. If Cecil were in front of you right now, you’d be behind him in about 18 hours.

(See, because he would eat you and then excrete you. I don’t actually know how long it takes for a lion to digest a human being. And I don’t plan to find out, no matter how many of you animal-huggers picket my dental practice.)

That’s why I didn’t mourn, even ironically, when a dangerous gorilla was hurting a little boy at the Cincinnati Zoo and got sent to monkey heaven. I’m glad Harambe is dead, and if you were genuinely sad about it, all that tells me is you’re a traitor to your species.

That’s why I don’t put up with all the cooing and swooning over that parasitic organism known as Ailuropoda melanoleuca, or the giant panda. Mankind has been coddling those two-tone losers for far too long. When I think about all the perfectly good furniture you could make from the 50 pounds of bamboo just one of those worthless beasts shoves down its gullet in a day…

Human beings are more important than animals. Period. If an animal can’t be used for food, transportation, and/or entertainment, it should be mistrusted at best and wiped out at worst.

Every time I see one of those viral videos of “animal friends,” like a dog and a bear cub chilling out or whatever, I just wonder what would happen if you stopped feeding them for a few days. Take a video of the same animals after a week. See which one is left.

Animals are bad. Don’t believe me? Then check this out. Sofia Petkar, The Sun:

An entire town in Germany was placed on lock down earlier today after dozens of animals escaped from a local zoo.

Residents in the western town of Lunebach were warned to stay inside their homes after lions, tigers, bears and jaguars made a break for it…

Police have reportedly shot dead an escaped bear, while two lions, two tigers and a jaguar were eventually found inside the zoo compound in Lünebach after a search involving a drone.

Shoot them all. Better yet, nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

This happened in Germany, but the next time it could happen someplace important. Someplace full of people who will be missed if they’re eaten by carnivorous beasts. Do you want this to happen at your local zoo?

The animals are just waiting to kill you. If you put them in a cage, they’ll escape and try to eat your loved ones. Why risk it?

Environmentalism? Biodiversity? Give me a break. The sooner we figure out how to grow meat in vats, the better. Then we can get rid of all the animals and walk the streets in safety.

P.S. Calling MS-13 “animals” is entirely appropriate. They really are that disgusting.

P.P.S. Check out my friend Ethan’s upcoming survivor guide, Bears Want to Kill You. It’s about bears and how they want to kill you. Because they’re bears.