News & Politics

Let’s Repeal All the Amendments

If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s gun grabbers who refuse to admit they want to grab all the guns. “We just want to talk about some common-sense solutions,” they insist. “Why are you against common sense? All we’re asking you to do is what every other civilized country in the world has done, even though we don’t want to move to any of those countries.” They deny they want to render you defenseless, and then in the next breath, they tell you that the only way to prevent gun violence is to render you defenseless.

That’s why I’m glad so many pundits are cutting the crap and openly calling for a repeal of the Second Amendment. Finally, they’re being honest about what they really want. I strongly encourage them to keep calling for repeal, because otherwise, voters on election day might forget what the Democrats are all about.

Why stop there, though? Why have any amendments to the U.S. Constitution at all? As noted thinker and philosopher Ezra Klein has pointed out, the Constitution is “confusing because it was written more than 100 years ago.” And then, on top of that, they threw in a bunch of stupid amendments. Who can keep track of all that stuff?

It’s about time we cleaned up all the clutter. It’s just getting in the way of progress. So here are a few of the other amendments I’d like to repeal ASAP:

First Amendment. This is the one that the bad people always bring up when they say something that makes you angry and you want them to shut the hell up. “B-b-but… muh Furst Amendmunt raaaahts!” Sorry, dummies, but hate speech isn’t free speech. The days when you could just say whatever you wanted, without the government punishing you, are long gone. It’s 2018, you guys. We should know better than this by now. Repeal it!

Third Amendment. This is the one that says you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers in your home without your consent. That doesn’t mean “quarter” as in “cutting into four pieces,” but as in “provide room and board.” But it’s still dumb, though. What are you so scared of, you crybabies, a few harmless soldiers moving into your house? They’re not going to shoot you anyway, unless you’re a black or brown person. Plus, do you really think you can stop them from doing whatever they want? The government is way more powerful than you are, so you might as well get used to it. (This is also a good argument against the Second Amendment. And all the rest of them, really.) Repeal it!

Fourth Amendment. This is the one supposedly protecting you from “unreasonable search and seizure.” In other words, the government can’t just bust into your house and take whatever they want. Um, excuse me, but if you haven’t done anything wrong, then what are you so worried about? Repeal it!

Fifth Amendment. This is another one the bad people always hide behind. “I plead the Fifth Amendment! You can’t make me testify against myself in a court of law!” Once again, if you haven’t done anything wrong, what are you so worried about? The cops and courts are only acting in your best interests as an American. That is, when they’re not killing and incarcerating black people for no reason. This amendment serves no purpose. Repeal it!

Amendments 6-27. These are the boring amendments nobody cares about anymore, except the one prohibiting alcohol and the one repealing the prohibition of alcohol. Those two cancel each other out anyway, so there’s no point in even talking about them. The rest of them are just useless, confusing gibberish. If the Constitution is so great, why did they need to make so many changes to it? Repeal ’em all!

There, that’s better. No more amendments. No more tedium and confusion. No more thinking. See how much easier it is when you just let the government do whatever it wants?

“Government” is simply the name we give to the things we choose to do together, and what we’re choosing to do together right now is shutting our mouths and doing whatever we’re told if we know what’s good for us.

And if you don’t like that, you’re a fascist.