News & Politics

You Failed Hillary Clinton, America, and She Won't Forget It

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, left, stands with Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton before the first presidential debate at Hofstra University, Monday, Sept. 26, 2016, in Hempstead, N.Y. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

Goodbye, #ImWithHer. Hello, #YouFailedHer.

It seems like every day gives me a new reason to be glad I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. And less often, but far more often than I’d like, Hillary Clinton opens up her big yap and gives me a new reason to be glad I didn’t vote for her either.

Here’s America’s Least Favorite Grandma speaking in India the other day, in remarks that have now been “seized on” by the Republicans.* Get ready to be scolded once more, you stupid, filthy peasants.

If you look at the map of the United States, there’s all that red in the middle, where Trump won. I win the coasts, I win Illinois, Minnesota, places like that. But what the map doesn’t show you is that I won the places that represent two-thirds of America’s gross domestic product. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] So I won the places that are optimistic, diverse, dynamic, moving forward. And his whole campaign, Make America Great Again, was looking backwards. “You didn’t like black people getting rights, you don’t like women getting jobs, you don’t want to see that Indian-American succeeding more than you are. Whatever your problem is, I’m gonna solve it.”


Well, first things first. If Hillary thinks Trump’s whole campaign was centered around repressing women and Indian-Americans, how does she explain why so many Trump voters are fans of this lady?

I’ve seen a lot of criticism of this Indian-American woman, but it’s all coming from Hillary Clinton supporters. They’re the ones who criticize Nikki Haley for having an Americanized name. They’re the ones who spread salacious rumors about her sex life. They’re the ones who are perpetually outraged that she represents the U.S. in the United Nations. They hate Haley’s guts because she wasn’t appointed by Hillary. They’re not so optimistic or diverse or dynamic or forward-moving when their team is out of power, are they?

We all knew Hillary was out of touch, but she still manages to outdo herself. This latest bit of verbal diarrhea is arguably worse than her “WHY AREN’T I FIFTY POINTS AHEAD?!?” outburst or her “deplorable” debacle, because she’s had 18 months to figure out #WhatHappened and somehow she’s even more clueless than ever. She lost the election because she alienated the very people she now insists on alienating even further. She drove away a lot of folks who might have voted Democrat, even some who voted for Obama twice, because of this exact attitude. She still acts as if she did you a favor by running for president, and she’d really like you to apologize for letting her down.

But it doesn’t really matter, because her voters are richer than you are anyway. They’re smarter than you. They’re better than you. They look down on you.

How dare you, you miserable worm? How dare you?

Unfortunately for Hillary, and for the people who think and act like Hillary, nobody can control what you do when you walk into a voting booth. They can sneer at you all they want, but they can’t make you vote for that horrible old shrew.

(That goes for you too, Trumpkins. You’re no better than the Hillbots. Seethe at me all you want, but you can’t make me do what you want. I’m not joining either tribe.)

Hey, at least she won the popular vote, right? Her political power is gone, her clout is kaput, she’ll never throw another White House ashtray at her husband again, but how about that popular vote?

If you listened to Hillary say all that nonsense, and you just nodded your head and wondered what the big deal is, the Republicans would like to thank you. Keep this up, and they’ll keep winning elections no matter what Trump does.

No matter who he does.

*Ain’t that always the way? When a Republican screws up, that’s the story. When a Democrat screws up, the Republicans’ reaction is the story. The media always frames it as “GOP seizes on this Democrat malfeasance” or “GOP pounces on that Democrat scumbaggery.” To hear the press tell it, there’s more seizing and pouncing going on in Washington than on Orgy Island.