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The Mahdi Replies

On July 12, the Iranian news agency ISNA published a letter written by

Chief of Staff Hassan Firouzabadi to the Shi’ite Messiah, the Hidden Imam.  He asked for assistance for the regime, defended the brutality of the Basij against peaceful Iranian demonstrators, and laid blame for the disturbances on the West.

Thanks to highly-placed sources in the armed forces, I have received a copy of the Hidden Imam’s reply to Firouzabadi, which follows here, without comment.

My Dear Hassan,

To tell you the truth I had given up on you.  THIRTY YEARS since your last letter?  Is that what passes for filial piety nowadays in the Islamic Republic?  The very visible Imam himself, the beloved Ayatollah Khomeini, spoke to me frequently.  It didn’t matter if things were going well or badly, he stayed in touch.   And Ahmadinezhad, who has his qualities, arranged to have all members of his government swear loyalty to me, and had the signed document delivered to me in my well.  But not you!  I only hear from you when you’re in a jam.

Needless to say, Hassan, I didn’t need that letter to see that you’re in a jam.  It doesn’t take a messiah to recognize that, everybody knows it, from the bazaars to the oil fields.  You’re afraid that you’re not up to it, that unless I intervene you might lose (otherwise you wouldn’t bother to write, would you?).

You’re right to be afraid.  You should be very afraid.

You want me to bail you out, as I did back in ‘79, when things were touch and go in Iran.  It was a tough fight, but you prevailed, although just barely.  It’s going to be tougher now, because back then people were angry at the shah for their misery.  Today, when they’re even more miserable, they blame you and your cohorts.