Were the Mayans Off by 2 Years?

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Snow. Earthquakes. Political upheaval. Missing airplanes.

Do you need any more proof the end is near? I don’t — I just need to find my fireproof umbrella in the back of my coat closet.

My advice? Don’t be part of the screaming hordes. I know you want to be prepared, and there’s a lot of information out there for people who have their priorities straight: survival, and looking badass in a leather motorcycle jacket they tanned in their backyard. But I have a few lesser-known tips that could completely change your quality of life after the world economy collapses and the electrical grids go dark…

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1) Stock up on can openers. Seriously, people, they’re going to get busted eventually, and for every stockpile of canned goods, how many spare can openers do you think survivalists have? Buy them now, reap the black market profits later.

2) Start rewatching Lost now. You have seven seasons to catch up on, and a lot to learn from Locke.

3) Commandeer a Costco. There are lots of tips on how to set up the ideal survival domicile for protection from the elements and your neighbors, in case you’re exiled to the wilderness or your home was irreparably damaged by a freak snain storm. You know what? Screw those plans, just identify a warehouse club store in your area, get a gang of trusted friends together, and stake your claim on it when the government crumbles. Can you even imagine how long you could live in a Costco?

4) Buy a boat. You know who suffers the most from the wars and winters in Game of Thrones? The landlocked peasants. You know who manages to escape pretty much everything except for the occasional freak storm? People in boats.

5) Appreciate time with your loved ones. This is a real one. Whether the world as we know it is ending tomorrow or millennia from now, you’re never going to look back and say, “I’m glad I spent all that time wailing about how awful things are right now. It really helped me.” But you might look back and wish you’d spent some of that time appreciating all the warmth and love that surrounded you even in the worst of times.

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