Our Kids Are Doomed. Give Them a Twinkie

Recently, nature punished us for our fossil fuel burning with hurricane Sandy; ask any science enthusiast, like Meghan McCain. Some people deny global warming exists, but that is foolish. It’s been proven. It is settled science. Globes have been warmed in science labs. And now we’re getting hit with massive hurricanes because… warming. It’s science — you don’t have to understand it, you just have to fear it.

If we continue to pump carbon into the air, we will be hit by frequent hurricanes, flooding of the coasts, and men in white lab coats yelling at us and calling us dumb. It’s a doomsday scenario, but can we realistically stop it? Probably not. I mean, look at how Mike Bloomberg flies around in a private plane and Al Gore sits around in a giant mansion that uses as much electricity as a small town, counting his carbon credit money. These are the people absolutely certain global warming is going to kill us, and they won’t even change their lifestyles to fight it. So how in the world are the many people like me who actively despise the environment going to change their ways? I mean, I once stabbed a tree because I didn’t like its attitude — that’s what I think of nature. So I’m not going to change my light bulbs, recycle, or stop strangling owls in order to help the environment. And if those most concerned and those least concerned about the environment won’t change their ways, then all those predictions of environmental doom are basically a foregone conclusion, and we’re all about to be overrun by angry penguins who shoot lasers from their eyes, or whatever it is scientists say global warming causes.

But that’s not the only problem we face in the future. America has $16 trillion in debt, and that number only keeps rising every year. And we like to feint that we’re going to do something about it, but come on. Are people really ever going to be like, “Oh, I’ve had enough free stuff; you can cut those programs now?” Nope. I mean, we just reelected President Obama. We’re basically accelerating toward that fiscal cliff to see what happens. We’ll just keep paying for Social Security ponzi schemes, Big Bird, and Sandra Fluke’s sexual needs with money we don’t have until the economy collapses in on itself under the weight of its debt like a beached whale. And then the next iPhone will be an Apple sticker on a tin can with a string. Made in China.

And that’s why we need to stop worrying about the future: There is none. We have already destroyed it. The future our children can expect is one where global warming-caused super hurricanes slam them every other day while they’re too broke to even afford a tarp to cover themselves from the rain. And maybe they’ll also get nuked by Iran. That’s why Michelle Obama’s crusade for children’s health is so horrible. If you look at the facts, our children are basically the walking dead — or with the obesity epidemic, the waddling dead — so the least we can do is give them some frickin’ candy.

Also, why do we spend so much time and money educating our kids? The smarter they are, the better they’ll comprehend the doom that awaits them, which is just another cruelty. It’s time to just pat our stupid, obese children on the heads, give them some Twinkies to shove in their fat faces, and send them merrily on their way as they naively wait their imminent doom. And I guess we can take a few pictures of polar bears for them so they’ll know what those looked like before they all drowned (and, frankly, I won’t miss them, because they’re all very mean). And we can also take a picture of a Social Security check, as they’re not going to see that either, but it will be part of what ends them.

Now, some will argue that we shouldn’t give up and need to prepare our kids for the future. Punch those people in the junk and yell at them for not listening to the science and the math. Yes, I know some people don’t believe in global warming and others don’t believe the fiscal cliff is a problem, but everyone tends to believe at least one of the two, so it should be a bipartisan belief that we are completely and utterly doomed and might as well give up. But there is no reason to look at that as a bad thing. If we’ve accepted that our future is already destroyed and that there is nothing we can do to change that, then we’ll forget about trying to save things and live as comfortably as we can for as long as we can. We can now toss out those stupid, expensive CFL bulbs and put in some nice incandescents and tear down all those idiotic wind turbines blighting our views of the countryside. And we can come up with some new inventive ways to spend the money we don’t have, like maybe have the federal government buy everyone a new car. So far, each citizen’s share of the national debt is over $50,000. It seems like we should at least get something fun for that.

And yes, we’ll occasionally be sad when we see our dumb little porkers cramming french fries in their mouths, unaware of the destruction that soon awaits them. But hey, we tried. Well, we didn’t really try that hard, as it really seemed like someone else’s job to solve all that. Like the government. I don’t know who is in charge of them.

So let’s just have fun and wait for the end to come. At least we’ll probably get a few more Star Wars movies before it hits.

Though they probably won’t be any good.