A special sneak preview of the latest episode of CSI: Tucson, now playing on the Iowahawk Television Network:
Have the results gotten back from the toxicology lab yet?
Got 'em right here. Weed... acid... psilocybin... salvia... Red Bull... but so far a negative on tea. And transfats.
Looks like our perp got instructions to dry out his system before pulled off the hit. Dammit, we need to get a solid ID on the scumbag controlling these trigger men before there's another bloodbath! Let’s see if Sullivan has any leads.
Dimly-lit high tech laboratory under CSI HQ, filled with fetal grow charts, maternity shop mannequins
So Sullivan, who do you think Dreambrain was working with?
CHIEF FORENSIC GYNECOLOGIST ANDREW SULLIVAN
Well, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say it was a woman. Late 40's. Likely an ex-governor of a US state. One capable of mind control and superhuman childbirth abilities.
Dammit man, I need something more solid than that! Did you say she controls people with her mind?
No, she controls other people’s minds… but not with her own. Captain, as you can see here, I've taken the liberty of constructing this oversized 3-dimensional model of the mastermind's inside lady parts.
Very impressive. What did you use for the fallopian tubes?
They had a special on crazy straws at Craft Gallery. Now, if my theory is correct, the mind control waves emanate from deep here within her reproductive system, as some sort of ultra high frequency musical pitch, inaudible to human ears.
Like a dog whistle?
Exactly. But to her highly susceptible Tea Party dupes, the message comes through… loud and clear.
KRUGMAN (pointing at model)
So you're saying the music goes round and round... whoah-o-ohhh... and it comes out here?
Like a nickelodeon… from hell.
KRUGMAN (whipping off sunglasses)
My God, Sullivan. If you’re right, then we just reopened an entire warehouse of cold cases.
Flashback: outside Dakota Hotel in New York 1980. A man strolling along sidewalk suddenly freezes midstep. Split screen of beauty pageant in Alaska. Closeup of contestant receiving Miss Congeniality crown. Her eyes turn pulsating red. The New York man pulls gun from leisure suit.
Flashback: inside Texas Schoolbook Depository, 1963. Warehouse worker suddenly freezes. Split screen of baby girl in Eskimo papoose. Baby’s eyes turn pulsating red. Man grabs rifle and walks toward window.
Flashback: intermission at Ford’s Theater, 1865. At concession stand, man suddenly freezes. Split screen of pelt-strewn Governor’s office. A woman is seated behind desk, whose eyes begin pulsating red. Eyes of moose heads on walls begin pulsating red. Man retrieves derringer from waistcoat.
WOMAN BEHIND GOVERNOR’S DESK
I can see 1865 from my window! Bwa ha ha!
You know where to aim your remote control next.