Time to Bring Shame Back: Pregnant Polyamorous Woman Plans to Raise Baby with All Four Boyfriends

(Image via YouTube screenshot)

When I was a child I often wondered what it would be like to work at The Globe and write stories about impossible things like Bat Boy and alien body-snatching, but I no longer have to wonder. In today’s absolute dumpster fire of a culture, it isn’t weird at all to report that a woman in Florida, in a polyamorous relationship with four men, is pregnant and they’re all going to raise this child together. I hesitate to gender-identify any of these people pictured because I genuinely can’t tell what sex they are. Are those men? I can confirm I got soy poisoning from staring at this photo trying to decipher what I was looking at.

The Daily Star reports that “Tory Ojeda lives with three of her partners in Jacksonville, Florida, and is the only one who has multiple lovers.” Considering that no one in this photo looks like they could attract even one lover, several in the newsroom here took bets on which one is pregnant. We were all wrong, except for Stephen Kruiser. The pregnant one is in the pink. “Fifty bucks says that pic was taken before she was pregnant,” Kruiser said.

It’s not easy being us. If you feel violated reading this, imagine how we feel having to write about four gamma basement dwellers knocking up someone who looks like Pat from Saturday Night Live back when it was funny.

“We’re all very, very excited to be raising a baby together,” the expectant mother told the Daily Star. The biological sperm donor replied, “It’s definitely a little interesting,” which sounds exactly the opposite of “very excited,” but it’s not likely this woman, who rotates four guys (who don’t see sunlight very often) in and out of her bed would let him express any natural male feelings of jealousy.

I know what you’re thinking. “How on earth did that group of weak chins, neckbeards, beer guts, and spaghetti arms impregnate anyone? We can see the low T in HD!” Good point, dear reader. I am equally confused.

“Most of my friends know all my partners and they love us and think that we’re cute and such,” the pregnant polyamorous person said. Somehow, I don’t think the word “cute” has ever been used to describe this union.

“My family is kind of quiet about their disapproval. Polyamory is definitely an uncommon thing,” she continued.

Maybe if families would stop being quiet about this kind of debauchery and degeneracy, and get loud and angry about it, their idiot children wouldn’t feel unashamed to go to the press about their disastrous life decisions that led them to bring a child into a world of chaos and confusion and potential abuse. For more information than you ever want to know about polyamorous families and the increased risks of child abuse, read Moira Greyland’s autobiography The Last ClosetThis is not a lifestyle that can bring anything but pain and anguish to children, and media outlets pushing stories like this as if they are normal and decent should be run out of business.

For the love of all that is good and wholesome in the world, can we please bring some shame back? Shame is a good and natural human emotion that stops people from acting out impulses that should be curtailed. Not everything you want to do is acceptable or good for society or children. Stop it! Get some help.

Megan Fox is the author of “Believe Evidence; The Death of Due Process from Salome to #MeToo.” Follow on Twitter @MeganFoxWriter