Back in the days when I was a free-range bachelor, I spent far too much of my spare time at a local brew pub, eating chicken wings, drinking draft IPA, and watching sports. You youngsters may not know this, but there was a time when ESPN actually covered sports. It’s true. You can look it up. I used to be a huge fan of the Utah Jazz and even scored press credentials on more than one occasion. I was one of those guys who could look at the football playoffs and tell you which team needed to win which game for some other team to advance. Yep, I was that good.
Anyhoo, one summer, the MLB went on strike. It was too soon for football, the NBA had just finished up, and it was during that rare two-week stretch (or so it seems) when the NHL wasn’t playing. So there were essentially no professional sports to watch. ESPN was pretty much in the hole for things to cover. I remember sitting at the bar and seeing some sort of cheerleading competition on the channel. And yes, for you cheer parents out there, I am willing to concede that cheerleading is a sport. Don’t start with me. I’m not in the mood. You can argue it out in the comments section.
Then, ESPN moved on to competitive rope jumping. I thought that was kind of pushing the envelope, but rope jumping does require athleticism and dexterity. But after that, you could smell the desperation and flop sweat. The great sports network was forced to cover cup stacking. Stacking what appeared to be red Solo cups is, or at least used to be, a timed competitive event. Is there a league for such a thing? Do kids go to college on cup-stacking scholarships? Is it in the Vegas sports books? Maybe competitors bust into the room through a giant sheet of paper while the aforementioned cheerleaders chant, “Stack ’em up! Stack ’em up! Higher! Higher!”
Then ESPN really tanked when it started covering spelling bees. Don’t get me wrong; spelling is important. Sadly, it is practically a lost art these days. I value good spelling. I was the sixth-grade spelling bee champ at my school. I had a certificate and everything. But spelling is not a sport. Sorry. It. Is. Not. A. Sport. I’m not going to entertain arguments about it.
Of course, it makes sense that in the 21st Century, a world that cannot define what a woman is cannot define what constitutes a sport. And the International Olympic Committee may be no exception.
According to ESPN, when the IOC sits down later this week in Mumbai, it will vote on whether or not to include flag football in the 2028 Summer Games in Los Angeles.
Wait, flag football? That game we used to play in gym class? Yes, flag football. C’mon, man! Flag football isn’t even real football. Of course, the case could be made that these days real football isn’t real football anymore. So there’s that.
ESPN says the move is part of the NFL’s effort to increase its worldwide reach. I guess incessantly panting over a vapid pop singer whose monosyllabic ramblings make her sound like she never finished her sophomore year in high school was not getting the job done. The league has scheduled flag football games in London and Germany this year. If the NFL can get people to pay real money to watch flag football, it is either craftier than I give it credit for, or humanity is finished intellectually.
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If you are not familiar with flag football, everyone wears belts with tags on them. If someone pulls off your tag, you are officially “tackled.” And there are no offensive or defensive lines. It wasn’t all that fun to play, and it can’t be very entertaining to watch. I hear some Olympians have pawned their medals when they have fallen on hard times. I can’t imagine a gold medal for flag football would fetch much. You might get enough for a six-pack.
Other sports proposed for the LA games include squash, cricket, lacrosse, baseball, and softball. I’m actually a big cricket fan. I got hooked on it while recovering from a really bad root canal. Maybe I can see my way clear for all those sports to be included, but not flag football. Sorry, nope. If the games are ever held in flyover country, maybe even cornhole can become an Olympic sport. But not flag football. But I suppose even flag football is preferable to the “sport” that is being added for one time only in the Paris Olympics. That would be breakdancing. Olympic breakdancing.
On the other hand, the more I think about it, the more inspired I become. I have decided to announce my plans to make the U.S. Men’s Olympic Tiddlywinks team. Right after I find someone else to be on the team. And some tiddlywinks. Hopefully, PJ Media and Salem Communications will sponsor me. Can I count on your support?
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