Let’s not be all judgy now. I’m sure some of us here have dated a liberal for a while, or at least until we got tired of hearing them end every political argument with something “clever” like: “Oh please, and the Cheeto in Charge was any better than Biden?”
A relationship with a liberal won’t last long, so I suggest you don’t spend a lot of cash on A Valentine’s Day gift. Here are a few ideas to keep your money in your pocket until you find someone with a sense of logic.
Homemade Antifa Riot Kit
Show the Lenin-love of your life you care by assembing an Antifa riot kit from scratch. This is way more fun than whipping up a batch of vegan, gluten-free kombucha-flavored brownies to give your “Valentifa” love, and you can get most of the things at your local dollar store.
Start with matches, lighter fluid, and a scrunchie so that your non-binary soul-less mate won’t catch her hair on fire when tossing the aptly named Molotov cocktails at the local police station.
Remember, dehydration is the street soldiers’ worst enemy, so throw in a few Capri Suns. Cap off that Antifa kit with a box of Manpax tampons for men (just in case) and some Band-Aids for hurt feelings. Put it all in a Hello Kitty backpack.
Too bad they don't make band-AIDS for hurt feelings… #KeepPounding pic.twitter.com/1ozN0I59K1
— Julie Morgan (@JulieMorgan11) January 25, 2016
Fauci Pillow
Lounging all day on the couch in mom’s basement can wreak havoc on where your pinko’s spine should be. Give him/her/it a pillow adorned with the face of “science.” If it’s good enough for the Fonz, it’s good enough for your lady-labradoodle of love.
Henry Winkler @hwinkler4real has a Fauci pillow! pic.twitter.com/LJ9qoeHuQK
— John Aravosis 🇺🇸🇬🇷🏳️🌈 (@aravosis) December 31, 2021
Box Set of Neil Young’s Greatest Hit
This is a CD with one song: “Been Through the Desert on a Horse with No Name.” It’s not his song, but it’s better than anything he actually recorded. This gift also comes with a box of tampons for men in case your She-man starts to “spotify.”
Starbucks Male Enhancement Peppermints
Turn his Short into a Grande. Come on, man, you know he needs it.
Booster-of-the-Month Club
Sign up your pretty, progressive pinko for a year’s worth of booster shots! When a 99% recovery rate just isn’t enough, Booster-of-the-Month Club provides all your false hopes, along with a Valentine’s kiss to big pharma. Act now and get a dozen ruby-red, Pfizer heart balloons. Hopefully, these will burst before your actual heart!
It’s not too late. Order now. Don’t expect to get a gift back because your liberal lover’s stimulus checks ended in September.
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